Caption This! Get Rich Or Die Tryin' [23 May 2007]

[image courtesy European Photopress Agency via NewYorkTimes.com via Wonkette]

Those eagle-eyed sexy-librarian-cat-lovers over at Wonkette spied this "photo" at NYT.com accompanying a story that was obviously submitted by some communist libtard who hates our freedoms and wants to force Rihanna to wear a burqa in her next Spanish-language video. I mean, c'mon people -- the photographer is European, so this is obviously a photoshop intended to deceive the American people and hip-hop fans about the widespread progress being made in Iraq!!!

Those defeat-o-crats at Wonkette had this to say about this obviously phony photo:

Representatives of the extremist “Guerrilla Unit” [link added -- Ed.] threatened to continue the attacks until American occupiers left Iraq and strict Islamic law was imposed on the country. They would, said one, “Get Fiqh or Die Trying.”

Because Alex and Ken obviously hate our troops and want the terrorists to win, I want to open this photo up to a DHMBIB "Caption This!" contest. As always, leave your comments in the...er, comments. Here are a few ideas to get you started:

* 50 Cent must fight Ja Rule and The Game over there, or else The Game will follow 50 Cent home and fight him here. Ja Rule, however, will stay over there, because he's a *****.

* We're only humans girl we make mistakes, to make it up I do whatever it take / I love you like a fat kid loves cake / You know my style I say anything to make you smile.

* I don't know what you heard about me / But a ***** can't get a dollar out of me / No Cadillac, no perms, you can't see / That I'm a motherfucking P-I-M-P.

* Girl, I'd take you to the Candy Shop, but...well...ya know...

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BREAKING: This Week In Tomorrow Night In American Idol [22 May 2007]

Surprisingly few rumors have been swirling about who will appear on Wednesday nite's American Idol finale. We suspect this is because the Idol producers have kept a very tight lid on the show -- all the better to keep alive as much suspense as possible going in to the last show of a thoroughly mediocre season.

Anyway, Holly Morris -- a reporter from our local Fox affiliate -- reported tonite that her sources -- some of which apparently include elusive, dodgey sources such as Deep Throat MySpace -- have confirmed that 4 former Idol winners -- Kelly Clarkson, Ruben Studdard, Carrie Underwood, and Taylor Hicks -- will perform on Wednesday nite. [ah, Taylor Hicks -- that must be why Chris Daughtry performed on Tuesday -- Ed.]

Alas, Morris also refuted the swirling rumors that Britney Spears will be among those performing on Wednesday nite. Take that, Perez!!!

Tune in on Wednesday, and don't forget to check in with your favorite website.

ciaobaby

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This Week In Tonight In American Idol [22 May 2007]

7:53 PM: Golly, I'm bored.

Is there anything interesting on the teevee tonite???

7:57 PM: I'm kidding, obvs.

I'm sure my liveblogging will be as mediocre -- or even more so -- than ever. Maura will probably do a much better job, and you can check her work out here.

8:00 PM: Okay, so my phone and my clock do disagree. I'll go by my phone's time.

8:01 PM: Ryan reminds us that this is the 4th final -- out of 6 -- where we've had a "battle of the sexes". Idol likes it this way

8:02 PM: Ryan brings up Paula's broken nose mishap. It's a set-up to make a joke -- but not the obvious "so, are you on painkillers???" joke:: "so, the bitch is alright".

8:05 PM: Ryan rewinds the auditions and reminds us that both of our finalists came out of the Seattle auditions, which were otherwise pretty crappy.

8:10 PM: We see last week's coin toss to determine the order in which the idols would perform tonite. Blake won the toss and offered the choice to Jordin. Jordin said she didn't want to go first, so Blake chivalrously offered to go first.

Does Blake know what a moronic-ly bad choice that was???

8:11 PM: So Blake starts off tonite with a reprise of his "remix" of Bon Jovi's "You Give Love A Bad Name".

I really hated this the first time around when he sang it during "Jon Bon Jovi" week.

Blake reprises his beat-box-and-drum-solo interlude.

I still don't like it.

And, he's "pitchy".

The audience seems to like it, tho.

Blake is channeling Nick Carter's look tonite, which is probably not a bad idea.

Randy: "...10-out-of-10 on the beatboxing...the singing for me was just alright..."
Paula: "...Randy, I think you need to clean your ears out...you outdid yourself...i wish i could give you more than a 10..."
Simon: "...you're not the best *singer* in the competition, but you are the best *performer*...that was alright, and i actually think it was your best performance in a few weeks...flat in the middle..."

8:15 PM: Jordin opens up with Christina Aguilera's "Fighter".

Wow, that's a ballsy choice.

Memo to Idol contestants -- please, PLEASE, stop trying to performing Christina Aguilera.

That was a little shaky. Some pitchiness, and lots of yelling.

Randy: "...this is a very interesting choice tonite...that wasn't the greatest entertainment, but your voice was stellar..."
Paula: "...that was great, you were awesome..."
Simon: "...i'm glad you chose a younger song...but the vocals were a little shrieky in the middle...i'm gonna call Round 1 to Blake..."
Paula: "...it's a tie..."
Randy: "...i'll give the performance to Blake, and the vocals to Jordin..."

8:24 PM: Blake is back, and he's performing maroon 5's "She Will Be Loved".

This is a great choice for Blake. His voice tracks Adam Levine's voice perfectly. And Blake can come over the top of the higher notes, and it doesn't sound strange -- because that's how the original sounds.

Randy: "...great song...great vocal...a very pure performance..."
Paula: [babbles something about her painkillers kicking in]
Simon: "...good, not great...i wouldn't have chosen that song for the finals..."

8:28 PM: My sister and I agree that Blake has pulled ahead of Jordin, and Simon is trying to pull him back. Watch him praise Jordin on her next song no matter how she sounds.

I guarantee you -- song unheard -- that Simon will call Round 2 for Jordin.

8:33 PM: Jordin is back, and she's doing Martina McBride's "A Broken Wing".

It's not enough to get her back to where Blake. A little slow to get started, and a little shouty in parts. Jordin is still too inexperienced to know how to do it.

Randy: "...i still believe you're the most talented 17-year-old singer...you blew that out...that was flawless, unbelievable...better than the original..." [oh, snap, Martina McBride is SO not coming back to Idol -- Ed.]
Paula: "...you are adorable...you are in great vocal voice tonite..."
Simon: "...now THAT was good..." [and that's all Simon said -- Ed.]

Yep, the judges brought Jordin back to Blake, even tho he is calmly and coolly out-performing her tonite.

8:41 PM: Ryan introduces us to the winners of the songwriting contest. They are also from Seattle. Oh score -- maybe the winning song will be some Nirvana- or Soundgarden- or Alice-in-Chains-inspired rocker.

No, wait, it's called "This Is My Ridiculously Cringe-Worthy Inspirational-Ballad Song Which No One Will Purchase Even On iTunes".

[no, it's actually called "This Is My Now" -- Ed.]

Not surprisingly, this soaring ballad really tests the limits of Blake's voice. And believe me -- it's a test even a 5th Grader would not have trouble with.

And, not surprisingly, it's not a hit with the judges.

Randy: "...i'm sure this is not the kind of song that would really suit your voice, but you did a pretty good job with it...you don't have to feel that bad about it...it wasn't great, but it was alright..."
Paula: "...even though it's not really your genre, you were great, you were in good voice..."
Simon: "...i thought it was a little odd...it's not a bad song, it's just not the type of song you'd normally sing...i think we have to judge you tonite based on your first two performances..."

8:51 PM: Jordin is back with her take on "This Is My Now".

Jordin will obviously hit a home run with this song.

Actually, this is good, but I'm surprisingly underwhelmed by this performance. I expected better than this.

Right on cue, Jordin breaks up during the last line.

The judges will tell her it's maybe the best performance ever.

Randy: "...this is a singing competition...you were the best singer tonite...YOU DESERVE IT ALL, BABY!!! THAT WAS FIRE RIGHT THERE!!!"
Paula: "...you frickin' make me proud...your parents have a lot to be proud of...you're an angel..."
Simon: "...last week, i thought you weren't good enough to make the finals...but i was wrong...this is a singing competition, and you just wiped the floor with Blake on that song..."

Obviously, Jordin will win.

9:00 PM: Paula outs Chris Daughtry setting up on stage to perform "Home". Does this mean he's not available tomorrow nite???

9:04 PM: Surprise, surprise -- Fox misses the 9:00 PM upcut -- even on my phone [phphphptphpthpt -- Ed.]

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Caption This! Faith Hill Hearts Shania Twain [22 May 2007]

[image courtesy PopSugar]

Okay, DHMBIB readers -- take your crack at captioning this photo of Faith Hill and Shania Twain at the recent Academy Of Country Music Awards [ACMA's]...

...my best was: "Man! I feel...SHANIA'S BOOBY! LOLZ!!!"

Yes, yes -- really lame. But I know you can do better. Leave your thoughts in the comments...

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This Week In Recently In Julia Allison's Life-Sized Cardboard Cut-Out [21 May 2007]

[serious "inside baseball" alert -- don't say we didn't warn you -- Ed.]

So, Julia Allison, you've had an awesome quarter [or so]...

...or, at least that cardboard cut-out of you that you trot out every so often when you're too busy to keep up with your social calendar has had an awesome quarter.

[Confused DHMBIB readers may want to take a few minutes to brush up on our dear Julia...

Back yet? Okay, let's go!!! -- Ed.]

Julia -- you the former AM New York dating columnist, current Fox News Channel Talking Head and Huffington Post Eat The Press correspondent, and brand new Time Out New York dating columnist -- not to mention Gawker's number one frenemy and the real-life inspiration for one of the most notorious campaign commercials in history -- you sure have been a busy social butterfly recently. So busy, in fact, that it appears you've had to resort to sending your cardboard-cutout "Julia" doppelganger in your place a few times.

Julia, there's no need for you to be so over-extended. Seriously, I can help!!!

Observe...

Here's your cut-out recently with Fishbowl NY Editor Dylan Stableford...



Obviously, you were also too busy to make the Radar release party, so you sent your cut-out to stand in for you with Chris Tennant...



...and Tinsley Mortimer [a/k/a "The Tinz"]...



and, finally, Defamer editor Mark Lisanti...



And oh! The White House Correspondents' Association Dinner!!! I'm guessing you knew Rich Little was going to be heinously unfunny, so you sent your cut-out in your place, where "she" was photo'd with, among others...

...your-hometown-ragsheet's [Chicago Sun-Times] EIC Michael Cooke...



...and...TONY KORNHEISER???...



...and MISS FREAKING AMERICA [yes, we edit ourselves sometimes -- Ed.] Laura Nelson...



...and tsunami-and-James-Blunt-survivor Petra Nemcova...



...and even possibly the next losing candidate for President of the United States, former Tennessee Senator Fred "I'm not 'Tommy', I'm that guy on Law & Order" Thompson...



...and...and...OMG!!! LOL MY HEADZ EXPLODING!!!



And most recently, here's your cut-out at the Time 100 party a coupla weeks' ago...



...and here again with your sometime-boss-and-all-the-time-BFF, ETP's Rachel Sklar, at the same party...



Julia, I know you were pissed off about not getting a proper invite, so you ended up asking your cut-out to crash the party for you. But I woulda been happy to crash in your place, if only so I coulda been your "stand-in" in this awesome photo of "you" and fellow non-ivitee ANA MARIE COX!!!



Now, I realize that AMC is time.com's Washington "bureau chief" [and Wonkette's founding editor and -- still -- "Wonkette Emerita"], and as such could reasonably have expected an invite to this event. But I'm her "boss" [disclosure -- Ed.], and not even I got invited. Thus, I would've been more than pleased to be her partner-in-crime and stand in for your cut-out if you were too busy to make this soiree.

[long-time readers and/or friends know that we at DHMBIB seriously <3 AMC!!! -- Ed.]

Seriously, Julia, I know you've over-booked your social calendar recently. As a fellow Hoya, I would love to help you out of these sticky situations.

[whispering]Julia! Call me![/whispering]

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META: Area Blogger To Post Photos Instead Of Half-Assed Thoughts, Readers Rejoice

I've been quiet for a few days. Mostly, it's because I have lots of photos that I want to post but have had difficulty figuring out how to post them in a way that would be not boring worth your time reasonably entertaining.

So, I worked it out mostly. And I'm about ready to go with a bunch of photos.

Don't Hate Me Because I'm Bloggerful!!!

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BREAKING: Long-Time Music Blogger Knows Her Shit... [19 May 2007]

[image courtesy Fox via Idolator]

...or 75% of her AI-finalist-predicting shit, which is still pretty fucking awesome!!!

[sure, we coulda saved this for next week, but we're bored NOW, DAMNIT!!! plus, these were who's-gonna-make-the-top-12 predictions, not who's-gonna-win predictions, so, why not now??? -- Ed.]

I was blowing the dust off some old posts on my blog when I came across a link to a piece on Idolator in which Maura Johnston evaluated the AI-top-24 and made her predictions for the top 12.

And "Damn Girl" -- Maura needs to pat herself on the back big time.

Maura looked at the top 12 men and the top 12 women at the end of "the Hollywood round" and made a prediction about which 6 men and which 6 women would make it to the finals -- as well as a prediction about which 2-of-each would get booted in the first week of the semifinals.

Here's what Maura got right about the top 12 [in order of her discussion]:

MEN: Chris Richardson, Sanjaya Malakar, Chris Sligh, Blake Lewis, Phil Stacey

WOMEN: Melinda Doolittle, Jordin Sparks, LaKisha Jones, Gina Glocksen

Two words: WOW!!!

Put another way, here's Maura's top 12, along with their actual finishes:

1-2: Blake Lewis, Jordin Sparks
3: Melinda Doolittle
4: LaKisha Jones
5-6: Chris Richardson, Phil Stacey
7: Sanjaya Malakar
9: Gina Glocksen
10: Chris Sligh

Leslie Hunt [17-20]
Rudy Cardenas [21-24]
Nicole Tranquillo [21-24]

And Maura's first 4 out:

Antonella Barba [13-16]
Sundance Head [13-16]
Alaina Alexander [17-20]
"Shoeless" Paul Kim [21-24]

And Maura's "missing" 3 finalists:

Haley Scarnato [8]
Stephanie Edwards [11]
Brandon Rogers [12]

And the rest:

Jared Cotter [13-16]
Sabrina Sloan [13-16] [!!!]
Nick Pedro [17-20]
A.J. Tabaldo [17-20]
Amy Krebs [21-24]

This was all done the night the top 24 were introduced to us -- in some cases, with very little info to go on.

Kudos to Maura for nailing the top 7, and 9 of the top 10. That's a bunch of highlight-reel home runs, right there. Sure, there were a coupla big swing-and-a-miss-es there [2 of Maura's top 12 were out in the first week of the semi's], but, occasionally, the pitcher throws a spit ball [STEPHANIE EDWARDS] and the ump misses the call [SABRINA FUCKING SLOAN!!!]. Plus, every big home-run-hitter strikes out a few times -- BUT STILL, Maura bested even the bestest!!!

Congrats, Maura, on showing us how it's done.

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BREAKING: "Big-Time" Blog Posts Photo Of Two People With The Same Name, Makes Obvious And Unfunny Jokes

[image courtesy WireImage via TMZ]

So, TMZ [disclosure -- Ed.] posted this photo today, and the accompanying write-up made every obvious and unfunny joke that is already spinning through your brain, because Larry King is responsible for the post, obvs.

Disappointed at the lack of original wit at "my" company, I decided to open this photo up to a "Caption This" contest amongst my many faithful readers.

However, you cannot use any of these phrases / jokes in your efforts, because they are so obvious that even Wolf Blitzer has already thought of them:

* "glamorous"
* "The Duchess of York" / "The Dutchess of [Josh] Duhamel"
* my humps / "lovely lady lumps"
* "Fergalicious"
* "Sarah Ferguson" / "Stacy Ferguson" / "garwsh, ya mean they're both named 'Fergie'???"
* "flossy, flossy"
* "London Bridge"

Also, no tranny jokes -- Anderson Cooper already went there, too.

Now, I'm not a completely bad guy. Because I've declared so many jokes off limits, I'll give you a few more things I thought of that might help you out:

* "T-to-the-A-to-the-S-T-E-Y, girl you're TASTEY!"
* "D-to-the-E-to-the-L-I-C-I-O-U-S"
* anything having to do with Candie's; and
* anything having to do with Weight Watchers

[thank you! we'll be here all week! -- Ed.]

* * * * *

You may also get a few ideas from Fergie's [the singer -- Ed.] new video, "Big Girls Don't Cry". [or, you may just enjoy seeing Fergie in her undies. or, you may just enjoy seeing what it would look like if Fergie quit the Black Eyed Peas and joined Good Charlotte, or maybe Korn -- Ed.] Anyway, this is the song Fergie performed on American Idol on 18 April, and it's one of my favorite songs from Fergie's outstanding [no, really -- Ed.] CD, The Dutchess.



And because I haven't had one in a while, it's also my Video Of The Day.

ciaobaby

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This Week In Tonight In American Idol [16 May 2007]

8:55 PM: Okay, it's been a lousy day for me. Late last nite, I took ill, and I was not able to update my report with the DialIdol numbers. Also, a pipe is leaking in my walls, and I've spent the whole day and evening worrying that my ceiling and/or my wall is about to collapse.

Plus, my ex-wife broke my heart, stole my pick-up and ran over my dog.

Okay, I made that last part up, but it's still been a lousy day.

I'm doing a little better, and I've decided to try to liveblog the results show tonite.

9:00 PM: Two faithful readers commented on my liveblog last nite:

Anonymous said...

Your faithful reader has some nits in no special order:

The judges did not all agree that the second round was a tie. Randy said he would give it to Melinda.

Simon was already pissed at Jordin when she said "I've actually never heard that song before"" after singing the song he selected for her. Following it up with the crack about him choosing a 70's song shows just how stupid she is, or as she likes to remind everyone to explain her myopic exposure to pop culture, "I'm only 17!" Liking Hansen speaks for itself. I hope she goes home. Write THAT down.

My clock disagrees with your clock. I tuned it at 8:02, and Jordin's first song was already done. (Not that I am compiaining about missing it.)

FR KG.

AND

Kimberly M., a.k.a. KimberlyKnits said...

Faithful Reader KM has some nits as well.

-- On watching it back, I give the first round to Melinda (but "ouch" on the wrong notes in "I Believe In You And Me"), followed by Jordin and Blake in a virtual dead heat.
-- The second round I call a "tie", but not the way the judges did--I think Melinda and Blake tied and Jordin was way back (Jordin should never sing a fast-tempo song and move around the stage again--she has bad breath control and wheezes into the mike).
-- The last round was no contest. Blake won it by a mile on the virtue of actually learning a third song (and performing it excellently), while the other two repeated their songs. Jordin's "I Who Have Nothing" was very nice but the wrong choice for exactly the reason that Simon articulated; she's a teenager singing ancient songs. Plus, it's not cool to diss Simon on air. As for Melinda, she actually forgot the words to "I'm A Woman" but covered well. But, boo to Melinda for not picking something new to "wow" us with. The order for the final round: Blake, Melinda, Jordin.

So, who should go home? Jordin. Who will go home? Well, Blake is obviously vulnerable because he was bookended by the obvious choice (Melinda) and the producer favorite (Jordin), but DialIdol has Blake's raw vote totals about a mile in front of either lady, so I think Blake will squeak in and leave either Jordin or Melinda on the wrong side looking in.

My clock was slightly off yours as well. They started about 30 sec. late, but missed the 9 PM upcut by almost 2 minutes. Shocking, I know.

9:02 PM: Okay, my clock must be off. But I LUV the Homer Simpson doing the "THIS...IS AMERICAN IDOL!!!" intro tonite. Luv that!!!

9:02 PM: Ryan tells us that Elliott Yamin and Maroon 5 will be performing tonite. Surprise, surprise...

9:11 PM: After the replay from last nite, and the break, we pimp the "Top 10" tour...Ryan -- thank you for reminding the potential ticket-buyers that Sanjaya WILL be part of the tour this summer...

9:14 PM: I am reminded why I realized that liveblogging the results show is a waste of time. As we recap Jordin's homecoming this week, the montage is set to a song I don't recognize but which sounds like Bo Bice.

9:16 PM: Is Ryan really this short? Don't we ask this every season?

9:17 PM: Ryan yanks Jordin's chain yet again..."America voted...we'll find out how you did later in the show..."

Yep, waste of time...

9:21 PM: As we'll have nothing else of note about which to blog for a bit, we'll note that DialIdol's final numbers have the Idols in this order: 1) Melinda; 2) Jordin; 3) Blake. But everyone is within the margin-of-error. So, no one is predicted as safe.

Astute Idol watchers may recall that in every previous version of AI, the Idol who performed first in "Top 3" week ended up going home that week...Paging Jordin Sparks...Paging Jordin Sparks...

Right on cue, Ryan presents this weeks "Idol challenge", which is, "Which of these Idols was not in last season's 'Top 2' "???

a) Elliott Yamin
b) Katherine McPhee
c) Taylor Hicks

Guess which one performed first AND went home that week???

9:28 PM: It's now Blake's turn to have a Ryan-fucks-with-your-head moment.

Blake, have a seat..."we're not THAT predictable around here..."

9:30 PM: Ryan introduces a singer he says he no longer recognizes. But I do -- it's Usher inhabiting the body of the son of Andy Samberg and Adam Sandler. No, wait -- is that Elliott Yamin??? IT IS!!! And he's singing "Wait For You".

9:37 PM: I'm sure that no one has mentioned that watching -- or liveblogging the Results Show -- live is a waste of time, but I'll note that we have 20+ minutes to go, and we still have Maroon 5 to hear from...plus we have no idea who our "Bottom 2" is -- unless, that is, Ryan's singling out of Jordin and Blake is a "hint"...

9:40 PM: This week's Ford commercial "video" is the Idols' take on Billy Squier's "Everybody Wants You". I wonder if -- before they filmed this -- AI knew about BS' current fight with recent AI "mentor" Bono???

9:44 PM: It's time for Ryan to fuck with Melinda. Don't worry -- we won't learn anything until after Maroon 5 performs.

9:49 PM: We pimp both On The Lot and and the new American-Idol-but-with-bands show.

9:50 PM: Ryan tells us that the band they're looking for could be "as big as" Maroon 5, who are most famous for winning Kanye West's "Best New Artist" Grammy in 2005 and for sleeping with Jessica Simpson in 2005-06.

Yeah, I guess you could call that "big".

Adam Levine and crew sing their new single, "Makes Me Wonder". Shockingly, their new album comes out NEXT WEEK.

9:57 PM: Some of my Faithful Readers tell me my clock's off, but my clock says 9:57, and still a commercial for 24.

9:58 PM: We're back. Ryan tells us "almost 60 million votes".

Jordin: SAFE!!!

9:59 PM: Blake and Melinda are Bottom 2.

Melinda: GOING HOME!!!

Our biggest shocker of the season!!!

Blake and Jordin next week in the finals!!!

10:02 PM: Melinda gets the mic and sings "I'm A Woman"...Is my clock still off???

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This Week In Tonight In American Idol [15 May 2007]

7:55 PM: "Top 3" nite is here. Tonite, our Idols will each be singing *3* songs -- Maura already is taking bets on the over-under on when the show will end tonite -- Clive Davis' [UPDATED: "the Producers'"] pick, a judge's pick, and any song they've already performed this season.

Also, TMZ is reporting that Jordin and Melinda will not only be competing against each other -- they'll be competing against Antonella Barba and Haley Scarnato as well.

8:02 PM: Is my clock off, or is Idol off to a late start tonite? Doesn't bode well for Fox making the upcut to House in time for everyone to turn over to Dancing With The Stars.

8:03 PM: "Top 3" week is also the week traditionally where the semi-finalists go back "home" for a pep rally in their home towns that just happens to be filmed by Idol cameras OMG!!!

I don't like "Top 3" week much, because for all their talk about "song choice", the judges more-often-than-not choose heinously bad songs. And Clive Davis is no better.

First up tonite is Jordin. Jordin learns in Glendale, AZ, that Simon has chosen for her Rose Royce's "Wishing On A Star"

Jordin looks great -- if Amazonian -- in her black-and-white-and-lavender dress.

Randy: "...this is the point of the season where i'm really looking to see who's in-it-to-win-it...that was a great performance...a little Beyonce up there..."
Paula: "...good song choice, Simon...you were wonderful..."
Simon: "...even though i chose that song, i didn't like the jazzy arrangement...not one of your best performances..."

Ironically, Simon is always Mr.-i-don't-know-that-song-so-i'm-gonna-call-it-a-bad-song-choice. I didn't know that song, and the performance was so-so for me. Good, but not home-run good.

8:12 PM: We're in Bothell, WA, where the mayor tells Blake that Paula has chosen The Police's "Roxanne" for him.

Blake's voice is very wrong for this song. His range is limited and it's obvious he's straining. He can't hit any of the high notes Sting used to be able to hit.

This is not good at all.

Randy: "...great performance...a couple of spots for me, but overall i gotta give you an A on that...that was hot..."
Paula: "...you did me proud...that was fantastic..."
Simon: "...i'm not gonna say that was earth-shattering, because it wasn't...the problem with that song is you're always forced to do an impression of Sting, and it wasn't that great...it was good, but not great..."

8:16 PM: Meanwhile, in Nashville, the Governor tells Melinda that Randy chose for her Whitney Houston's "I Believe In You And Me". Uh-oh...WHITNEY HOUSTON!

Melinda is showing some leg tonite in order to prove she actually has a personality.

Okay, that was clearly the best performance of the first three.

Randy: "...that was hot...you blew it out of the park..."
Paula: "...you were fantastic...amazing...one of your best performances of the season..."
Simon: "...very difficult song to sing...one of your best performance of the past four weeks...round 1 goes to Melinda..."

8:25 PM: clearly, there's no way we're making the 9:00 PM upcut. Not only have we only gotten through 3 songs out of 9, we waste our time on one of those Coca-Cola "viewer question" commercials.

Jordin likes Hanson, "Mmbop".

8:26 PM: Round 2 is "Producers' choice". The Producers have chosen Donna Summer's "She Works Hard For The Money" for Jordin.

Jordin has gotten her groove back. That was hot, dawg!

Randy: "...it doesn't really matter what song you do -- you're working it out...that was hot too..."
Paula: "...Jordin, you worked hard for the money tonite...i thought you were fantastic..."
Simon: [laughing at Paula's joke] "...it was a very good performance...the arrangement was a little bit old-fashioned...but very good performance..."

8:29 PM: We get the other Coca-Cola commercial out of the way on Blake's performance. The Producers have chosen Maroon 5's "This Love" for Blake.

This song is a much better fit for Blake's range.

MUCH much better than his first performance.

Randy: "...when you put out a record, you should listen to that...that was your vibe..."
Paula: "...totally in your element...this is a good nite for you..."
Simon: "...i preferred that to your first song...you sounded very comfortable...that was good..."

8:37 PM: Melinda gets what I hope is the last Coca-Cola commercial of the nite.

We're running out of time -- still 4 songs to go. And 300 commercials, too!!!!

The Producers have chosen Tina Turner's "Nutbush City Limits" for Melinda. Another interesting choice, but one that plays to Melinda's strengths AND allows her to move like she has a personality.

That was pretty hot!

Randy: "...when you make your record, you should put some of that in your repertoire..."
Paula: "...what else can we say -- we love you, we love you, we love you!..."
Simon: "...that's why we hired you for this show, Paula...once again, another brilliant performance..."

Ryan: "...who takes that round?"
Simon: "...i'm gonna call that a tie...[other judges agree]"

8:45 PM: Mark Burnett has jumped the shark -- if he hasn't already...On The Lot??? A reality show about film-makers??? With Steven Spielberg???

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME???

8:46 PM: Jordin is back with Shirley Bassey's "I Who Have Nothing". Jordin sang this song back in "Top 11" week, which was that alleged "British Invasion" week.

Randy: "...another great performance...best performance of the nite...way to close it out..."
Paula: "...it sat well in your voice...you sounded really great..."
Simon: "...there's no disputing the fact that you sang that very well...but a part of me hated the fact that a 17-year-old was singing singing a 60-year-old song...it was an old-fashoined song and performance...i wish you'd chosen a better song..."

OH!!! Jordin decides to give Simon SHIT about choosing Rose Royce for her: "wasn't Rose Royce in the '70's???"

Simon is confused and pissed.

Jordin is going home this week. Write it down.

8:50 PM: Blake and fellow Seattle-area-beatboxer Sir-Mix-A-Lot are seen beatboxing on "Baby Got Back".

Blake is singing Robin Thicke's "When I Get You Alone".

Faithful Reader and Dear Sister KM is right -- this is terrific!!!

This is what Blake should be doing!

Randy: "...it was cool...it was alright..."
Paula: "...all your songs tonite exemplify who you are as an artist...three really great songs..."
Simon: "...i actually really liked that...this is what i've liked about you throughout the competition...you don't play it safe, you take a risk, you look like you're having fun -- good for you..."

8:57 PM: Last up tonite is Melinda, who's reprising her performance of "I'm A Woman" from her 8 March performance.

This is a good performance, and i do really dig the bit with the "backup singers" [there, we said it -- Ed.]

Randy: "...i'm seeing the range of Melinda Doolittle, and that was hot again...you can sing anything..."
Paula: "...what i love about this performance is, you're stepping out into the spotlight, with no regrets, no looking back, and you're celebrating your whole journey...it's awesome, you're fantastic..."
Simon: "...Melinda, love the little striptease at the top...if i'm gonna award a place in the finals to someone who's delivered consistently week-after-week, it's gonna be you..."

9:04 PM: What, you mean it's already time for House???

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Tonight In This Week In American Idol [10 May 2007]

Dear Readers...

I'm sorry I wasn't around to comment on Wednesday's results show in something like close-to-real time. But I have had a chance to review the proceedings, and I am now ready to share my ridiculous waste-of-time invaluable thoughts on the proceedings.

A few random thoughts...

* what was up with Paula and Simon "changing seats" tonite???

* why did an obviously drunk tired Paula feel the need to out one of Fox's "surprise" moments of the nite -- the presence in the studio of Jessica Alba -- WHO OMG!!! JUST HAPPENS TO BE IN A NEW MOVIE THAT AI IS PLANNING ON SHILLING TONITE???

* every week, the ratings Poindexters keep telling us that AI is sliding. So why do the vote totals keep going up-up-up??? Over 45 million votes this week. Wow. Compare that to the 70 million votes Idol got during their telethon and the 65 million votes they got the next week...

* ...and speaking of the telethon, I wrote about that show that Ryan made "a strange comment to an audience member" and that I would revisit that later. I never did. Fuck youz! Sorryz!!! The audience member was adorable young Ashley Ferl. Ryan's comment -- "i know you're confused -- i'll explain it to you later" -- was about the fact that the much-hyped Celine-Elvis "duet" video -- what, you thought they were doing that shit live??? [ha, "live" -- Ed.] -- was not completely appropriately edited...as it showed Sanjaya in some of the on-stage shots of the Idols dancing backup...[obvs, this video was filmed the prior week before Sanjaya's elimination, and he was edited out of some of the shots...but not enough...you may also see in the video that the Idols were standing on stage in a different order from how they were sitting...there, we've done it -- Ed.]


[image courtesy Fox, obvs, via rickey.org]

[hmmm...we can see eight people in white suits -- that Elvis impersonator singing with Celine, and seven people in the background...who is that person on the far left??? -- Ed.]

* ...and speaking of Sanjaya [WHY are we speaking of Sanjya??? please, do tell -- Ed.], why did the Idols perform The Kinks' "You Really Got Me" -- the subject of the absolute worst performance in the history of the finals [*cough* Sanjaya *cough* -- Ed.] in the Ford commercial on Wednesday??? And why was the video an homage to The Beatles' movie "A Hard Day's Night"??? There are so many things wrong with this:

-- the Idols' performance sounded as bad as Sanjaya's performance -- was his vocal mixed in as well???

-- was this "Fab Four" riff a way-too-lame pun honoring the Idol "final four"???

-- did Idol forget that there were only three Bees Gee [unless you also count that one who was snorting coke off the belly of a naked Pamela Ewing, in which case there WERE four Bees Gee -- Ed.]???

-- and finally, why didn't the commercial instead feature "How Deep Is Your Love", with Blake beatboxing his way through yet-another mediocre performance of a great Bee Gees song??? Oh, maybe it's because Ford didn't want to be associated with another video debacle like this one.

Oh well -- maybe they'll surprise us with a nice beatbox during the group number...

* ...and...they don't. But at least it's nice to know that Nigel reads DHMBIB, or it's sister-blog, "DHMBIB's sister occasionally blogs for DHMBIB". Ryan intro'd the group medley by calling out the Idols for really poor song choice and ignoring a whole bunch of excellent Bee gees songs. Randy concurred. So, the Idols come on stage to do their group number, and the first thing we hear is...nothing...because Beyonce obviously doesn't want Melinda competing with her for the starring role in Dreamgirls XI: This Time, It's SASSY!!! [damn, we really are channeling Defamer tonite, aren't we??? -- Ed.]

Here is what the Idols sang in their group medley: "Emotion", "Too Much Heaven", "Guilty" [Barbra Streisand], "Islands In The Stream" [Kenny Rogers & Dolly Parton], "You Win Again", "Chain Reaction" [Diana Ross]...

Ahem...

* we got to waste more time with an extended commercial for Fox's new "The Fantastic Four" movie and OMG THERE'S JESSICA ALBA!!! I SO TOTES HAD NO IDEA SHE'D BE THERE!!!

* we didn't get a single safe/bottom 2 until 47 FUCKING MINUTES IN!!! Can someone tell us again why this show has to be one hour long???

In the end, Blake and KiKi were the Bottom 2, which surprised exactly ZERO people who have been watching Idol this season...And then KiKi went home, which surprised even fewer people...

* * * * *

Bonus random thought of the nite -- in the last two weeks, our "top 2" -- and the two best remaining singers -- both made comments that rubbed certain people the wrong way...A couple of weeks ago, Jordin told Jon Bon Jovi that she had "never heard your music, but my parents love you". And this week, Melinda told us that the first "CD or cassette" she bought -- "cassette -- I'm old!" -- was Michael Jackson's Bad. UGH!!!

Discuss in the comments...

ciaobaby

* * * * *

Destiny's Child - Emotion [mp3, via YSI]
Destiny's Child - Emotion [mp3, via zSHARE]

Tavares - More Than A Woman [mp3, via YSI]
Tavares - More Than A Woman [mp3, via zSHARE]

Wyclef Jean - Staying Alive [mp3, via YSI]
Wyclef Jean - Staying Alive [mp3, via zSHARE]

Yvonne Elliman - If I Can't Have You [mp3, via YSI]
Yvonne Elliman - If I Can't Have You [mp3, via zSHARE]

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Tonight In This Week In American Idol [9 May 2007]

Dear Faithful Readers:

Due to a scheduling conflict, I will not be around to watch tonite's results show. So, I won't be liveblogging it -- but that's really okay, because liveblogging the commercial-and-filler-filled results show is not very fun to do -- and the results aren't very fun to read. I will catch a replay of the show after the fact, and I'll probably post some thoughts later this evening.

I also plan to update my liveblog from last nite, so you may find it interesting to skim back through that later -- or, not.

Speaking of the performance show, when I told Faithful Reader and Dear Sister KM that I would be having dinner with friends, she thought that meant I would miss the show. So she graciously wrote up a report [an after-the-fact report, not a "liveblog" -- Ed.] of the festivities and passed it along with permission to reprint it here.

My sister has long been a huge fan of the music of the Brothers Gibb -- hey, shouldn't they actually be called the "Bees Gee"??? [we can actually remember a time when radio DJs thought that joke was funny -- Ed.] -- so her report is very thorough and knowledgeable and slightly less half-assed than mine.

Enjoy the sweetness after the jump...

It's Top 4 night, three ladies, one man. (Wow, Blake is SHORT. Of course, he's standing next to Jordin, who's like 10 feet tall or something.) Ryan's in black suit, white shirt, skinny black tie. It's a good look for him. THIS is American Idol.

We meet the judges. Paula's the only one into the theme of tonight, wearing a feminine version of the Travolta white suit and black shirt, and a gazillion pearls. Seriously. I counted. Randy's in blue; Simon's in a white v-neck T-shirt. Put on your real shirt next time, for God's sake, Simon.

The schedule is tight tonight, Ryan says, and for once he's not exaggerating. We're almost at the three minute mark and we haven't even gotten to the intro of the mentor yet.

Our mentor tonight is Barry Gibb, founder of the Bee Gees, member of the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame and Songwriter's Hall of Fame, producer of about a gazillion diva singers' albums (Diana Ross/Barbra Streisand/Celine Dion are the three named; I can think of a few more), and--according to BILLBOARD--the most successful songwriter/producer ever. (What most people don't know is that the Gibb brothers surpassed Lennon/McCartney several years back as the songwriters with the most #1 songs on the Billboard Hot 100, and Barry alone topped L/M for most songs in a single Billboard Hot 100 Top Ten back in 1978, so for once TPTB aren't exaggerating in their intro piece.) We come from the past into the present with Barry Gibb leading Melinda/LaKisha/Jordin/Blake through "How Deep Is Your Love". Hey, anybody remember Blake doing the arrangement for his Hollywood group sing to "How Deep Is Your Love"? Remember how completely awesome that was? Remember that Blake's the only one of those guys left standing now? You will, because NOTHING like that's going to happen tonight.

Mentor introduction interview: Barry's had problems with his jaw in recent years, so he speaks very softly and sounds like Sean Connery with clenched teeth. That said, there's absolutely nothing wrong with his singing voice; he can still hit all those falsetto notes and all the mid-baritone notes as well. And he looks good for a guy in his 60s. He's excited about these contestants doing his music, and you can tell that he actually is excited...but he also looks a little nervous. (Justifiably so, as we'll see later.) Back in rehearsal-land, the group finishes "How Deep Is Your Love", and he praises them all. "Want to form a group?" he offers. (Now that's not necessarily a bad idea. They really do sound good together.)

Melinda's up first. She's doing "Love You Inside Out". LaToya did this in AI3, and I didn't like it then. Barry Gibb is skeptical, especially because the song is written for a man's falsetto, and Barry Gibb's falsetto is so high that a woman has to at least be able to get into the low-soprano range to match. That's not Melinda's strength, and Barry's advice is to "remember that I sound like a woman when I sing."

Performance: It's not bad. It's a little jazzy. It's kind of funky in a good way. It's also kind of funky in a bad way. I can't listen to this song without remembering that the original lyrics, according to the late, great Maurice Gibb, were "Love you inside and out/Backwards and forwards with my cock hanging out..." Seriously, listen to the recorded version sometime. If you wonder why the word "heart" sounds so much like "hot" or "hock" in some of the chorus renditions, it's because Maurice was being naughty on practically every take.

What was that? How did Melinda do? Sorry, I got distracted. That's because, even though her voice is nice, she sounds incredibly dull, and she's taken the key down because she can't hit the falsetto notes. Somewhere, Maurice Gibb is spinning in his grave. AI needs to bury this song and take it out of the rotation; Idol contestants are now 0-2 singing it.

Judges: Randy really hates it, and you can tell because he's trying so hard not to tell The Great Melinda that he hates it. Paula falls back on the "hard to judge" excuse before she finally says that she didn't like it. Simon declares that it was "more like a backing vocalist's performance" and hated it. Ryan cuts off his comments, which really makes Simon mad. You can tell because he takes it out on the next contestant every time he gets cut off.

Next up: Blake, who takes on "You Should Be Dancing". He plans to beatbox part of it, like last week. Barry Gibb approves wholeheartedly. This SHOULD be right in Blake's wheelhouse...

Performance: ...except that once again, Barry Gibb's falsetto is REALLY, REALLY good and REALLY, REALLY hard for a guy not used to singing falsetto to hit properly, as Blake proves fairly quickly. Barry Gibb has a remarkable voice range and his falsetto is as strong as most singers' normal range voices. This is where the problem lies tonight, because Blake's falsetto is not strong AT ALL, and none of the other contestants, with the exception of MAYBE Jordin, can hit the notes with enough power to not lose their pitch. Blake especially has this problem--he's about a half-step flat on virtually every note, and getting outsung by the backing vocals. When he breaks into the beatboxing, this should be his home-run swing, but it's not: Some of the beatboxing is behind the beat, and he's STILL off-pitch. Then, remarkably, about halfway through the beatboxing bridge, he finally gets on beat and comes on pitch. But it doesn't last, and this performance is just really embarrassing.

Judges: Randy hated the beatboxing and practically begs him not to do it ever again. Paula thought his pitch was off, which is like saying the Titanic may have gotten off-course when it hit the iceberg. Simon said it was "unique" and "terrible", and he's absolutely right on both counts.

Ryan says you can "Tex-ex-ex-ex-ex-ext" the vote in a beatbox rhythm. Scarily, it's better than Blake's BB so far.

Next, LaKisha is taking on "Staying Alive". She's slowing the beat down and staying in alto. Barry Gibb isn't wild about the fact that she's staying so low that her voice bottoms out on the chorus. He sings the chorus and his falsetto is still just as beautiful as ever. He tells her not to be afraid to go up and hit the top notes, because he thinks they're in her range. She sings it with him, just to prove that she actually CAN hit the notes, and then says she'll follow his advice...

Performance: ...and then, as usual, completely ignores the mentor's advice, staying fully down in her alto, then bailing out on the singing completely when the melody gets too low, riffing on the chorus while the backing vocalists do all the heavy lifting. This, folks, is absolutely dreadful. She truly sucks. "Staying Alive" has been successfully updated by rappers and R&B singers before, but this just isn't working. The end-of-show rehearsal clip shows that during rehearsal, she tried a little falsetto, but then bailed on it almost immediately, making it sound really bad. She's having throat problems, as we discover later in the show, but nobody's voice at this stage of the competition is at its best, and that's not a good-enough excuse for this performance.

Judges: Randy thought it was way too disjointed when she would stop singing during the chorus. Paula says the crowd was on their feet when she came out, but then she slowed the tempo down, which didn't work: "They want to DANCE!" Simon says it's a good thing they're all singing two songs tonight, because this one was just "terrible" and that she's regressed in her style and is now back to "shouting". Damn, Simon, that was cold-blooded, harsh, and RIGHT ON POINT.

The show goes to commercial. Rob and I exchange a phone call at this point, and we both agree: This first half sucks so far. I remind him that AI2 did Bee Gees night and it went over great, with Josh and Clay doing dueling "To Love Somebody" versions and Ruben getting a good groove on during "How Can You Mend A Broken Heart?" Rob wonders if this is a Barry Gibb vs. Robin Gibb thing--Barry with his mid-range baritone and high falsetto; Robin with his mid-range tenor and lower falsetto--and I disagree. It's true that every song chosen so far is a Barry Gibb song--that is, Barry sang lead--but that doesn't excuse the contestants failing to completely grasp any of the melodies so far. He thinks it's because the songs are 30 years old. I think it's because this is a relatively weak group of contestants and none of them have the right voice ranges for these songs. Again, AI2, Clay Aiken's nearly 2-octave range and Josh Gracin's strong tenor voice had zero trouble, and even 1-octave Ruben found a song that worked for him. The only one who struggled that night was Kim Locke, and that's because she has the same basic limitations as Kiki and Melinda: She's an alto with a weak soprano range and a tendency to bottom out at the lower end of her range. Phil wouldn't have had nearly the issues with tonight's theme. Neither would Haley. Chris Sligh would have rocked it. Heck, even Sanjaya could have found a song in the Gibb Brothers' massive song library. What do all those contestants have in common? They have big voices (except for Sanjaya) and broad ranges. That's what you need to have to carry off a Bee Gees song.

Return to show. Ryan and Jordin in the "Coca-Cola Keepin' It Real" section, with a "question" about how what she's learned so far. Wisely, she does not mention posing erotically at war memorials (SNAP!) or wearing as little clothing as possible onstage (SNAP-SQUARED!).

Jordin's singing "To Love Somebody". This, and "Words", are my two favorite Barry Gibb songs ever. What they both have in common is the blue-eyed soul and a range that goes from mid-falsetto to mid-baritone. And, guess what, Jordin's range is at least close to that. So this song is actually a perfect match for her. Barry looks unsure at first, but eventually comes around, especially when Jordin starts soaring into her upper range. "A couple of hundred people have recorded this song," he says, "but I've never heard a better version than Jordin's."

Performance: Jordin is the first one tonight to get the Gibbs' blue-eyed soul right. The best version of this song I've ever heard recorded was by the Bee Gees in a live concert in 1976 (seriously, get "Here At Last...Bee Gees...Live", and hear these songs when all three brothers were at their finest), with Barry Gibb giving it the Otis Redding treatment. (FWIW, Barry and Robin wrote this song for Otis Redding. He died in a plane crash one day before he was supposed to go into the studio and record it.) The second best was Clay Aiken in AI2, doing his best Barry Gibb impersonation (and I've always felt like Clay should have recorded this for one of his albums; it's that good). This version, by Jordin? The third best.

Judges: Randy loved the Mariah Carey vibe. Paula declares it the best vocal so far. Simon agrees with both judges.

First half is over, and the rankings:

Jordin

(gap)

Melinda

(enormous gap)

Blake

(small gap)

LaKisha

Kiki's in real trouble here, folks. She knows she's on the bubble and needs a real killer performance here, and the only thing she's killed so far is the first song. Blake's not any better, and this is the first real sign of weakness Melinda's shown.

Back for the second half, starting with the Coca-Cola segment, where Ryan asks what the first tape or CD Melinda ever bought for herself was. Melinda says it was a tape and reminds everyone that she's OLD (bad move, MindyDoo), and that it was Michael Jackson's "Bad", which her mom crossed out on the inner liner and wrote "Good" instead. MindyDoo is so adorable.

Melinda's second choice is "How Can You Mend A Broken Heart". This is a song better suited to Melinda's range. Barry doesn't like the fact that she keeps reworking the chorus to remove the part "How can a loser ever win", but Melinda explains that she's trying not to jinx herself with "loser" or words like that. Barry laughs and agrees that's not a bad answer.

Performance: Outstanding. She doesn't sing the "loser" line, and she turns it into a bluesy jazz club tune. Fantastic. Her key change is phenomenal. This is a song with a fairly small range and it's been remade a gazillion times by R&B artists, so it's not hard to get a version of it that practically anybody can sing. That said, she's just amazing.

Judges: Randy loved it. Paula think she's a great throwback but wants her to be less technical and more emotional. Simon notes that Melinda looks like she doesn't understand a word of that. Then he tells her that the second half of the song probably put her into the semi-finals (top 3). I agree that this punched her ticket to next week, but she's in real trouble after that. I think she'll get sabotaged by either Clive Davis, the judges, or both, to make room for Jordin to make the finals instead of her.

Blake's second choice is "This Is Where I Came In", one of the Gibbs' late career songs. I really like this song, and it's one of the last ones the three Gibbs recorded together before Maurice's death. Barry thinks it's a really odd choice, because it's a relatively unknown tune, and notes that he thought it could have been a huge hit when it was first released. "I still do," he continues. "Maybe this version will be the one."

Performance: Blake's boy-banded the backbeat and is doing the argyle sweater look again. He's really getting into it and mixing both great vocals and beatboxing to great effect. Compared to the first song, this is out-freaking-standing.

Judges: Randy liked it better than the first song but thinks it would have been better without beatboxing. Paula likes that Blake is the "contemporary rebel" of the competition and that, more importantly, he stayed on pitch throughout the song. Simon hated the song (because he doesn't know it), thought it was a bad song choice (because he doesn't know it), and thought Blake really stumbled tonight, especially with this song (because he doesn't know it). Sensing a theme here?

Ryan vamps in the audience with Judge Judy (!) and Simon's mother, and pimps the songwriting competition. Thought we were tight on time tonight, Ryan.

LaKisha's second song is "Run To Me". I like "Run To Me" (from the early 70s), but again it's not one of the Bee Gees' better-known tunes (it's from their transition from 60s Brit-Pop to 70's blue-eyed soul, and it's got a little bit of both styles in it). Barry once more tells her to stop hanging around the alto range and actually go up and hit the big notes.

Performance: This time, she listens to Barry and actually does strike some of the higher notes during the chorus and key change. It's miles better than her first one...until the last note, which she totally biffs because she's blown her voice out. Don't worry, KiKi, you're going home tomorrow night anyway, so you'll have time to rest before the tour.

Judges: Randy really liked it and says "Don't worry about that last note". KiKi tries to thank him and her voice really is gone. The words are raspy and hoarse. Paula tells her that she did great and not to beat herself up over the last note. (Translation: Look, audience, LaKisha's blown her voice out! She can't go on! Won't you send her home and let her rest?) Simon puts forth TPTB's official message tonight, which is that "you and Blake are very vulnerable tonight".

Nine minutes to go. Will they make it without missing the upcut to HOUSE?

Back from commercial, and it's Jordin's last go-round. She's doing "Woman In Love". O.K., this is a guaranteed ticket-puncher to next week if she can pull it off. She's already proven she can do this kind of song before with "I Who Have Nothing". Barry Gibb is practically offering to produce her first album for her. She really does sound great in practice.

Performance: Simple, beautiful, rich-voiced. Everybody says never take on Streisand on this show, but actually for a contestant with a range like Jordin's, Streisand is the perfect performer to take on. Babs has MAYBE an 11-note range, so all of her songs are arranged to take maximum advantage of that. This song is actually one of the few Babs songs that pushes her range to its max, and that's why it was such a huge hit in the late 70s--it didn't sound ANYTHING like what Babs had ever done. Jordin, wisely, sticks to the basic arrangement, hits every note beautifully (she does shout a little bit near the end), and just blows everybody out of the water tonight. She's got a real young Mariah Carey look and sound to her tonight, and she's wearing a gorgeous full-length dress with lots of cleavage showing.

Judges: Randy thought it wasn't her best, but it was great, and offers "props to Barry Gibb for a great bunch of songs tonight" (Translation: The Gibbs have 40 years worth of material to choose from and y'all chose THOSE? Damn...). Paula can't bring herself to criticize Jordin, but neither can she form a coherent sentence. Either her happy pills finally kicked in, or she's been told not to praise Jordin to get her some sympathy votes (and either one is possible, frankly). Simon brings out the "pageanty" hammer and the "you're so young but you sound so old" slam to make sure the take-home message is transmitted correctly: "Jordin sang great, right? But the judges hated her! You've got to vote for her en masse!"

Recap. They miss the 2100 EST5EDT upcut, as usual, this time a little over 30 seconds into the recap before they run over. (I'm betting money ABC is already preparing their FCC protest, as they've done this all season long and it cuts into the turn-over rate to DANCING WITH THE STARS. I'm sure that's just a coincidence. Only, not.) The rehearsal clips show Melinda sounded good, Blake sounded a LOT better in rehearsal, KiKi sounded a lot WORSE, and Jordin was excellent.

And then...the show turns awesome. We get our first "Seacrest--OUT!" of the entire season at 2102 EST5EDT. That made the entire evening worthwhile...almost.

My order from first half to second half didn't change, except Jordin's lead over Melinda is bigger. Blake and Kiki will probably be the bottom 2, and it'll be Kiki going home because of Blake probably picking up most of Chris' fans (and some of Phil's, too).

Now, for my biggest bugaboo about tonight's show: SONG CHOICE.

Remember at the beginning of the show, when we learned that Barry Gibb's in the R&R HOF, the Songwriter HOF, most successful songwriter/producer combo ever, etc.? None of those are exaggerations. The Bee Gees catalog from 1975 to 1979 ALONE has enough awesome material in it to fill a half-dozen AI shows. Let's think about what we didn't hear tonight:

-- "Emotion", most recently by Destiny's Child.
-- "Islands In The Stream", Kenny Rogers/Dolly Parton.
-- "If I Can't Have You", Yvonne Elliman, whose range is very similar to Melinda and KiKi's. Ditto "Love Me", also recorded by Elliman.
-- "I Just Want To Be Your Everything", Andy Gibb (written by Barry).
-- "Rest Your Love On Me Awhile", Olivia Newton-John.
-- "More Than A Woman", Tavares
-- "Nights on Broadway", which Ruben--RUBEN!--did in AI2 and Constantine did in AI4, both very well.
-- "How Deep Is Your Love" (though they might be saving that for the group number).

I could list about two dozen more and still not run out of material. Why, in the name of all that is good and holy, didn't they pick one of THESE? Instead, we get one real uptempo tune ("You Should Be Dancing"), two disco dance tunes turned into slow grooves ("Love You Inside Out" and "Stayin' Alive"), and the rest were ballads. BALLADS. Think about this for a minute. You have as your "mentor" the songwriter whose mid-70s catalog virtually DEFINED "disco" (in fact, IIRC, "Jive Talkin'" was the first #1 song on the newly-lauched Billboard Disco chart in 1975), he's giving over his entire catalog to you, and all you can pick are BALLADS? Whiskey-Tango-Foxtrot, with a capital "Foxtrot", is going on here?

And finally, a check of DialIdol. DI this season has been more indicative of trends than predictive. Over the past few weeks, Melinda's been sinking loike a rock, Jordin's rising, and Blake is hot on her heels. DI, so far this season, has not had ONE contestant whose MoE kept them in the "safe" range, get voted out. NOT ONE. So, at 0300 EST5EDT DI had this to say:

1. Blake (22.4, MoE 2.6)
2. Jordin (22.2, MoE 2.6)

(Meaning, in essence, they're tied, and so far ahead of the 3-4 spots that neither is in any danger.)

3. Melinda (12.0, MoE 2.7)
4. LaKisha (11.6, MoE 2.8)

(Meaning the judges may indeed get their "shocking elimination" yet this season, because MindyDoo going out in 4th would be huge. We're talking Chris Daughtry huge, people. This is your front-runner and best performer, and she's on the verge of elimination. Wow.)

--Kimberly Murphy -- kimmurphysmith@yahoo.com
http://stores.ebay.com/kimberlyknits-fashion-boutique?refid=store

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This Week In Tonight In American Idol [8 May 2007]

7:50 PM: Welcome to "Top 4" week. Tonite, I'm liveblogging from the beautiful home of my dear friend and faithful reader "KG".

The last time I did this I kept breaking the wireless connection. And losing my precious lifeline to you, Dear Reader.

There -- I just did it again.

7:55 PM: Hey! Look! KG got it back for me!!!

Hey, yaremember that rumor I blogged about last week -- about Kelly Clarkson's album being rejected by Clive Davis??? Yeah, well -- it wasn't true. ONLY IT REALLY WAS TRUE!!!

8:00 PM: Finally, it's time...30 million votes this week...Ryan is rocking the multi-day growth again...

[UPDATED Wed. PM -- just cleaned it up a bit -- really, it's okay to keep reading...]

8:02 PM: Tonite's mentor is Sean Connery. No, wait --

Barry Gibb...British pop star...disco blah blah blah...

8:04 PM: First up is Melinda. Melinda starts off with "Love You Inside Out".

I've seen the song list tonite, and it's interesting. Everyone has picked a good song and a "meh" song.

That was good, but it wasn't "Melinda" good.

Randy: "...this is gonna be an interesting nite, because i wanna see who's 'in it to win it'...that was another solid performance, but i wasn't jumping up-and-down...it was good..."
Paula: "...hard to critique you, because your vocals are always spot-on...but we're looking for something that's going to 'wow' us...but your vocals are great..."
Simon: "...what Paula was trying to say, she wasn't that impressed by that...i expect 'incredible' tonite...that was not 'incredible'...that was more of a 'backing vocalist' performance...you are better than that..."

8:12 PM: Next up is Blake. Blake starts off with "You Should Be Dancing".

Blake is rocking the blond streak and the red shoes.

Blake is also rocking the Barry Gibb falsetto. Except it's very "nasal-ly"...which, you'll recall, is a "style" of singing -- according to Chris Richardson.

Badly.

Wow, this is really weak.

Memo to AI -- maybe we should rethink the whole Bee Gees theme for next year.

KG says, "get him off!!! where's the hook???"

Randy: "...sometimes, when you do the beatboxing, it really works...tonite, it didn't work...i'm just keepin' it real...that made me feel like i was at some discotheque in some foreign country..."
Paula: "...pitch was off...you show true musicianship...didn't have the best nite with that song...but you did show that you're unique and why you're on that stage..."
Simon: "...it may have been 'unique', and this is a matter of personal taste, but it was absolutely terrible...sorry..."

8:18 PM: Next up is KiKi. Kiki is taking on "Stayin' Alive".

KiKi ignores BG's advice and doesn't hit the "falsetto" parts of the chorus...

It's pretty mediocre, but it's the best of the nite so far.

Seriously, AI -- CALL ME!!!

Randy: "...it's a good thing you guys got two songs tonite...these are GREAT SONGS -- you don't really need to change the melody to try to make it your own...baby, that wasn't working'...you've got too much goin' on..."
Paula: "...there's no need to take the tempo down...the audience is not rushing for the exits...they want to DANCE!!!"
Simon: "...LaKisha, no kiss tonite, baby...we're back to the shouting again...the performance was verging on 'scary' tonite...not great tonite so far..."

8:23 PM: Okay, we've got one more to go -- and it could be great -- but so far, the Idols are not showing us that they can connect with this music.

8:26 PM: Last up in "round 1" tonite is Jordin. Jordin tackles "To Love Somebody".

This is the best vocal of the nite.

But, as KG reminds me, "the bar is low".

Randy: "...the best vocal so far...an 'aretha' throwback...in it to win it..."
Paula: "...not just sorta-kinda the best vocal, it WAS the best vocal of the nite so far..."
Simon: "...good song choice, good vocal...back in the competition..."

8:35 PM: "Round 2" begins. Melinda gets the second Coke question commercial of the nite. Something about the "first tape or CD you bought?"...

Melinda answers that "it was definitely a tape, because i'm a little older", and then proceeds to identify that "old" tape as Michael Jackson's Bad.

I was in college when that CD came out...Thanks, Melinda -- now I feel "old"...

Melinda takes on "How Can You Mend A Broken Heart".

Why are the Idols singing so down-tempo tonite. This is a great song, but still.

Okay, Melinda is much better than she was the first time through.

Randy: "...second song -- much better, great song, beautiful vocal, beautiful ending...you're our resident 'pro'..."
Paula: "...you're a throw-back to Stephanie Wilson [does the "old" Melinda even know who Stephanie Wilson is??? -- Ed.]...we know you're the most brilliant technician...i'm just waiting for that --"
Simon: "...much better....the second-half of that song has put you in to the semi-finals..."

[does "semi-finals" mean "top 3" or "top 2"??? -- Ed.]

8:38 PM: Next up is Blake. Blake takes on "This Is Where I Came In".

Okay, I'm really not that impressed with Blake tonite.

The judges aren't either...

Randy: "...i do think that this was better than the first song, but you ain't gotta beat-box on every joint, dude...it's okay -- you don't have to do it -- we know you can do it...it's okay to sing it...it gets old..."
Paula: "...but if he can, he can...their ain't nothing 'old' about blake...you're the 'contemporary rebel' in this competition...i don't know that song, but i enjoyed you singing it, and it could be a contemporary song...you could have a hit with that..."
Simon: "...i don't know what that song was...i found it completely tuneless...i don't know why you chose it...i don't think you've had a very good nite, tonite, blake...i'm sorry..."

8:46 PM: Judge Judy???

JUDGE FUCKING JUDY???

AND JUDGE FUCKING JUDY KISSES SIMON???

AND THEN SIMON'S MOM???

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME???

Wouldn't it be too bad if I "lost" the wireless connection again right about now???

8:48 PM: Next up is KiKi. KiKi is taking on "Run To Me".

I love KiKi's dress -- it's very flattering for her figure.

Did someone put Valium in the water at the Kodak tonite? Why is every performance such a fucking downer???

I have yet to hear a single performance tonite that approaches the "original".

KiKi seems to lose the last note.

Randy: "...you got a little horse at the end, but it was much better than the first joint...that was good..." [HA!!! -- Ed.]
Paula: "...don not beat yourself up over that...you're still a champ..."
Simon: "...it was much better than the first song...it still wasn't great...i think you and Blake are very vulnerable tonite..."

The judges are rather subdued in their comments -- as if they know that KiKi knows she's on the bubble and didn't "save herself" tonite...

8:56 PM: Last up -- THANK GOD!!!! -- is Jordin. Jordin is taking on "Woman In Love".

Jordin -- famously -- had never heard Jon Bon Jovi's music before last week. Has she heard any of Barbra Streisand's???

The best of the nite??? Perhaps...

Still a downer of a performance -- but, very faithful to Babs' rendition.

Randy: "...i don't think it was your best performance...kinda pitchy all the way through...but a great performance...we gotta give props to Barry Gibbs -- he had some amazing songs tonite..." [translation: "Barry Gibb FUCKING BLEW GOATS as a mentor this week!!!" -- Ed.]
Paula: "...you know...you know...i love you, but, you know..."
Simon: "...i loved the song...but i gotta be honest with you -- it was very pageanty...you're so young -- why make it so old..."

9:01 PM: WT[Margo] was that train-wreck of a show???

I'll be back with more of this obituary later.

UPDATED: On second viewing, this show was much better than I originally thought...no, it still SUCKED bigtime...I'll comment at greater length about this FUCKING HORRIBLE TRAIN-WRECK OF A SHOW ON THURSDAY...

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BREAKING: Area Blogger Having The Best Week Ever [5 April 2007]

DHMBIB is having the Best Week Ever!!! VH1 is planning a new show focused around us and all the love we're getting from the bloggosphere. Full details after the jump.

Okay, so there's no VH1 show about us in the works. But we are having the Best Week Ever, thanks to some love we're getting from two of our favorite blogs.

Last week, Maura Johnston over at Idolator saw something that she thought was interesting in our liveblog of the 24 April edition of American Idol -- she had to read all the way to the bottom to find it, so she's obviously mentally disturbed a big fan -- and used it in her own write-up of the show, giving us our broadest exposure yet:



And earlier this week, we pointed our readers to a sweet post from one of our favorite bloggers, Kelly Ann Collins. KAC caught our post and put this up on her Long Live The Plastics site, which just about made our heads explode:



Please forgive us if our heads are oversized the next time you see us. And remember to give Idolator and Long Live The Plastics plenty of love...

Also, KAC -- our offer still stands...

*****

Bonus "This Is Why We Love Kelly Ann Collins"...here [P.S. we do not endorse the opinions of the Wonkette editors and commenters on this matter -- we actually loved KAC's WaPo LiveOnline piece...and, of course, we love KAC -- Ed.].

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Tonight In This Week In American Idol [4 May 2007]

Someone, please remind us to call and THANK our friend April [actually, we could just go visit her -- Ed.] for having her birthday and her birthday party on Wednesday nite [more on that to come -- Ed.]. If we hadn't been committed to that, we would have been forced to live-blog Idol's Wednesday results show this week -- which would have caused us to be committed!!!

Where to start with this shit-tacular show??? Ryan's i'm-gonna-regret-this-in-the-morning promise of "no filler"??? Paula-and-Ryan-and-Simon's "fight" about puppets and girlfriends and fiancees blah blah blah??? The-reappearance of the who-the-fuck-are-they??? non-famous Idol people [Ruben, Fantasia, Taylor]???

That new Panic! At The Disco! Idol group video Ford commercial set to "Paint It Black"???



ROBIN FUCKING THICKE??? [Robin Thicke will obviously never get the Republican nomination for President, if that's any consolation -- Ed.]



Jon Bon Jovi 3.0 [1.0 = classic '80's Bon Jovi; 2.0 = Ally-McBeal-era-JBJ; 3.0 = Jennifer-Nettles-and-country-radio-era-JBJ -- Ed.] singing a "country" ballad instead of one of his "classics" like the Idols sang on Tuesday nite??? [obvs, because he's got a new record to sell...DUH!!! -- Ed.]

Yeccccchhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!

Because we don't want to be completely negative, we will say this -- Phil's "going home" rendition of [ironically???] "Blaze Of Glory" was his best performance of the season. Where was this passion when, yaknow, it mighta made a difference???

Also, Phil clearly was well-loved by his fellow Idols. The tears of Jordin and KiKi when Phil was performing for the last time were not fake. That was very sweet.

But, P.S. -- Why was Phil's "going home" montage music "I'll Stand By You"???

I'll also say that Ryan's "immediate" sparing of Jordin was humane and right -- he was unnecessarily harsh to her during the telethon last week, when he made her believe that she was going home in "the most shocking result in Idol history".

Finally, I'll say that the "bromance" between Blake and Chris was very sweet. I truly believed that either would go home to save the other.

In the end, we see Phil and Chris going home, leaving our three divas [Jordin, KiKi, and Melinda] and Blake around in the final four-- which result just about everyone in the known universe has been predicting for about 2 months or so. Next week's mentor -- Barry Gibb -- and theme -- songs of the Bee Gees -- would seem to play to the divas' strengths. But I can also see Blake taking another big "risk" and as the only guy remaining managing to outlast one of the more-talented divas.

I'll predict a Blake-KiKi bottom 2 next week, with KiKi going home.

*****

Some Idol miscellany for ya:

* The hottest Idol-related rumor on the internet this week was that Clive Davis is so unhappy with Kelly Clarkson's new album that he's scrapped it and she's scrambling to record some new material before her scheduled tour begins. Yeah, we don't believe it either. The Idolator editors and their commenters do a great job breaking it down here...

* Why was Antonella Barba in the house on Tuesday nite? Is it because she's bumping uglies with Blake Lewis???

* Even Sanjaya's hometown is embarrassed by Sanjaya...[second item]

* And finally -- what the hell ever happened to Taylor Hicks???

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This Week In Tonight In American Idol [1 May 2007]

7:55 PM: Top 5 "Top 5 + 1 Week" is here. Tonite's mentor is...wait for it...JON FUCKING BON FUCKING JOVI [wait, that's not awesome, and it most certainly does not deserve two "FUCKING" 's -- Ed.].

Unless you've been sleeping under a rock for the last week, you know that AI did not eliminate anyone last week. Instead, last week's votes will be added to this week's votes -- voting will, once again, be extended to try to "equalize" things -- and this week 2 Idols will be eliminated.

*****

On a personal note -- I won't be around to live blog tomorrow's "performance" show. If anyone wants to volunteer to take over for me, I'm accepting offers.

[crickets...]

Seriously, maybe some of my readers who occasionally comment...or maybe some of my lurking readers who have recent experience "live blogging" American Idol might be interested in helping out???

[crickets...]

8:00 PM: There's Antonella Barba in the audience. There's a "Slippery When Wet" joke in here somewhere, but I'm too lazy to find it.

Ryan tells us that last week's telethon raised "almost" 70 million bux. Awesome.

Why is Ryan rocking a 3-day growth???

8:03 PM: First up tonite is Phil Stacey. Phil is performing "Blaze Of Glory." OMG, this could be a craptacular trainwreck.

Phil is not wearing a hat this week.

Okay, that wasn't terrible, it was just Phil. I've heard similar renditions of this song many times by drunken frat boyz.

Randy: [feels the need to pimp his career again -- 'i actually recorded that song with Jon Bon Jovi -- i played bass on that song'] "...other than 'Country Week', this is your BEST PERFORMANCE EVER ON THE SHOW!!!...you were like Steve Perry on a Bon Jovi song [ohmigaw, pimps his career AGAIN!!!]..."
Paula: "...this is the best opening we've had all season long..."
Simon: "...i thought it was okay [audience boos]...give me 5 seconds, and then you can boo...i didn't hear any authenticity...you were like a bad actor playing a role...if this were an audition for the role of a 'rock singer', i don't think you'd pass the audition, and i don't think you've done enough to last 'til next week..."

8:13 PM: There's Gina Glocksen in the house. Ryan says "it's 'rock week' -- it must be killing you!!!"


[image courtesy MySpace, obvs, via TMZ]

In case you haven't heard, Gina wants her fans to support her boy-toy, Chris Richardson.

8:14 PM: Next up is Jordin Sparks. Jordin is performing "Livin' On A Prayer". Jon cautions that this is a "difficult" song to perform...especially if you're not drunk on Jaeger-bombs.

No, he didn't really add that last part.

I LOVE Jordin's bad-rocker-girl look -- is she REALLY THAT MUCH TALLER than the musicians on stage with her??? -- and her performance is very energetic, but the vocal is only so-so.

Randy: "...this was a very interesting one for me...you definitely are not the rock girl...the chorus was good, but the vocals were rough [Jordin agrees]...that was rough...at least you know..."
Paula: "...i give you credit -- you went for it, knowing it was a little bit out of your range...you're hot -- you're out there..."
Simon: "...okay, let's cue the boos...the look was like something out of 'The Addams Family'...as for the singing, it was out-of-control, verging on shrieking at times...you absolutely, COMPLETELY lost control...it was terrible, to be honest with you..."

Ryan-to-Simon: "Thank you, Hermann Munster!"

Jordin acknowledges it was "her week" to not be on top of her game.

8:23 PM: Next up is LaKisha Jones. LaKisha gets the first Coca-Cola commercial fan question of the nite. Something about what kind of training blah blah blah somethin-somethin blah blah blah.

KiKi has "seen" JBJ "on Oprah, But I've never listened to his music".

Two words: WOW!

KiKi is performing Bon Jovi's "This Ain't A Love Song". JBJ loves KiKi and thinks this is a great choice for her.

JBJ says "I'm not a betting man, but I would bet money she's not going home this week singing this song".

I love KiKi's look this week. It's a very appropriate "rocker-girl" look -- form-fitting-top and tight jeans -- for someone who is NOT a rocker girl.

I may have to disagree with JBJ. KiKi sounds rushed. It took her a while to pick up the beat. I didn't really dig that.

Randy: "...you started out rough, a little pitchy in the beginning...but by the middle of the song, you blew that out of the box..."
Paula: "...that low tone in your voice is your 'money in the pocket'...you gave everybody a little 'somethin-somethin'..."
Simon: "...LaKisha, i actually could kiss you after that..."

KiKi comes over to Simon and kisses him. And gets lipstick on Simon.

Simon: "...you rose to the challenge...i didn't know what the song was, but you absolutely nailed it, and i'm so glad that you are back..."

I'm very confused -- I thought that was not as good as some of KiKi's recent performances, and I thought the judges were trying to get rid of her. But here is Simon pimping her fiercely.

WT[Margo]???

8:34 PM: Next up is Blake Lewis. Blake is performing...wait for it..."You Give Love A Bad Name"...

JBJ is very worried, because apparently Blake plans to "Blake-ify" this song...JBJ: "he has to sell his interpretation of a song that a lot of people love...and don't want it messed with...this is the one to me that is 'rolling the dice'..."

Blake is performing with a drummer on stage.

OMG, there's the beat-boxing.

WTF WAS THAT???

It was very...entertaining...I'll give Blake that -- probably the most electrifying performance of the season...BUT VERY WEIRD...

Randy: "...most original version of a song ever on American Idol...you took a leap of faith, and YOU WON, BABY!"
Paula: "...the biggest leap of faith...this was amazing...this was your nite...Simon's mom was rocking!..."
Simon: "...half the audience will absolutely hate it, and half the audience will love it...you are a very brave man, took a massive risk...this is what will keep you in the competition this week..."

8:42 PM: "This is Ryan Seacrest here with Justin Timberlake". No, ladies -- don't get your panties in a twist -- it's just Chris Richardson.

What was that about??? Hmmm...

"Timberfake" is performing...wait for it...NO, REALLY..."Wanted Dead Or Alive"...the Bon Jovi song that is absolute death for Idols.

The performance is weak. Surely the weakest of the nite.

Randy: "...you did your thing...you made it your own...R&B twists..."
Paula: "...you don't have anything to worry about...this has turned out to be a good nite..."
Simon: "...you did the best you could do with that song tonite...this is not your style of music...whether it's good enough to stay another week, i'm not sure..."

8:51 PM: Closing out the show tonite is Melinda Doolittle. Melinda is performing "Have A Nice Day". Mel is very worried, because she acknowledges that rock is not her style.

Which means she'll nail it, 'course.

I'm not really knocked out by this performance. It's very reminiscent of Jordin's performance -- a great singer who is clearly out of her comfort zone.

As with Jordin, I'm digging Mel's look and enthusiasm, just not her vocal.

Randy: "...i don't know if that was your best performance...a little Tina Turner attitude in there...that was hot, baby..."
Paula: "...how does it feel to be a rock star? you're a rock star!..."
Simon: "...i thought it was like a young tina turner...vocally in a different league from everyone else tonite..."

Simon's comments puzzle me. He didn't seem "knocked out" by the performance, so when he says -- without much enthusiasm -- "different league", is that meant to be a compliment? From the "left hand"???

8:58 PM: George and Laura Bush thank us for our support of Idol Gives Back. Curious that this didn't air last week.

Or maybe not???

9:00 PM: Remember -- 4 hours' of voting tonite. DialIdol's numbers won't be available until the wee hours of the morning here on the East Coast.

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