We're back to liveblog this year's Academy Award ceremony. And if you've ever seen our previous liveblogs of this "event", you already know it's gonna be pretty half-assed.
Let's go!
(for previous Oscar liveblogs, click the tags on this post...)
8:45ish PM: Faithful Reader KG is hosting her annual Oscar party once again, and once again everything is spectacular.
8:46ish PM: Due to some technical issues, we're a little late getting started. What did we miss? Hugh Jackman told some jokes. Anne Hathaway was a good sport. Frank Langella was an even better sport. Oh, and HJ gave millions of viewers around the world the mental image of Meryl Streep on steroids. AND WE'RE STILL TRYING TO EAT DINNER!!!
8:48 PM: Best Supporting Actress...Penelope Cruz! Hey, shock -- we're 0-1 in the contest!
Penenlope says something in Spanish. We don't speak Spanish.
8:51: A car company spends our money to thank us for giving them our money to pay for commercials during the Oscars. Awesome.
SUCK IT, AMERICAN TAXPAYERS!!!
8:54: Tina Fey and Steve Martin bring the funny to the presentation of Best Original Screenplay..."Milk"! We're 0-2!!!
This year, we adopted the daring contest strategy of going with "Slumdog" in every category.
Yeah, we have no freakin' idea what we're doing...
Wait, Tom DeLonge is an Oscar-winning gay ex-Mormon screenwriter?
8:59: Tina and Steve stick around for the other screenplay category, Best Adapted Screenplay...
Oh, for the screenplay awards, Tina and Steve are *reading* parts of the screenplay, that "set the stage" for the film clip that follows...
This is going to be a very long nite...
The winner..."Slumdog Millionaire"! We're 1-2!
9:03: Only 3 (and 1/2?) hours to go!!!
9:04: Jennifer Anniston and Jack Black?
"Throughout the evening, we're going to be showing you a 2008 movie yearbook..."
ZOMG NO! SOMEONE PLEASE KILL ME NOW!!!
9:05: What's the over-under on when the Academy will start handing out awards for "Best Voice Actor/Actress"
9:06: Best Animated Feature..."WALL-E"! We're 2-2!
9:08: Best Short Film, Animated..."La Maison En Petits Cubes"
True story: ahead of the Grammys two weeks ago, we messaged Faithful Reader KG and told her we would not be liveblogging the Grammys but would be participating in the comments on the liveblog at Idolator. Later, she sent me a reply. Here's part of the actual text of that reply: "...These are way different from the Oscars. No one thanks their spouses, or apparently is expected to." Oh, Faithful Reader KG. You are SO an Oscar person.
Another way the Grammys are diffferent: waaaaay more M.I.A.
9:15: We took a break, and we HOPE we missed one of those Yearbook things...
Daniel Craig and Sarah Jessica Parker present Best Art Direction, even though no one has any idea what the hell art direction is..."The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button!" We've lost count...
And, the first play-out of the night! Who had 9:18???
9:20: Sarah and Danny stay out to present Costume Design..."The Duchess"!
Three-time Grammy winner Fergie now has an Oscar to add to her mantle! AWESOME!!!
9:23: And, Sarah and Danny stay out for Best Makeup..."Benjamin Button"!
9:26: When we learned that, sadly, we did not miss the "Romance Yearbook" Who are these people, BTW?
This yearbook has a Coldplay song for the soundtrack. Too bad WE CAN'T FREAKIN' STAND COLDPLAY, or else we might know which song it is...
9:31: Natalie Portman and Ben Stiller...what an odd combo...and why is Stiller wearing that ugly-ass beard? A: BECAUSE HE'S NOT FUNNY!!!
Oh, I get it -- this is a parody of that interview that Joaquin Pheonix did on Letterman or whatevs, we missed it...
The award is Cinematography..."Slumdog"!
And now, our strategy looks a little better...
9:36: We're sorry, were you trying to read a liveblog? Jessica Biel is on...
9:40: We had some...administrative duties to perform (yeah!), so we missed that entertaining piece with James Franco and Seth Rogen
9:45: Best Short Film, Live Action..."Spiezeugland (Toyland)"!
As usual, we have absolutely nothing funny to say about that ["as usual" -- Eds.]
9:53: We were about to tae another break during Hugh Jackman's salute to musicals...but then Beyonce hit the stage, and we were glad we stuck around...
A couple of years ago, we suggested that AMPAS do everything it possibly could to ensure Beyonce would perform at the ceremony...it looks like someone is finally listening to us...
[pat selves on back...]
10:02: Since we're only 90 FREAKIN MINUTES in to this death slog, let's give out only our second major, because, why the hell not? Supporting Actor...
This year, we five random former winners who each give an introduction for one of the nominees...Cuba Gooding Jr. (snickers...)
10:08: Best Supporting Actor...Heath Ledger! obvs, moron...
His Family accepts the award, which was a very nice thing for the Academy to arrange
10:11: Can't say anything about that emotional moment.
10:11:30: Oh good -- another one of these idiotic Yearbook thingies...it's a good thing we set aside time for these things, and not oh, performances of the Original Song nominees...No, we didn't need to see any of those...
10:15: Who should we choose to give out the award for Documentary Feature, this award for a serious film about a very bad thing in real life? Oh, I don't know, maybe a FUCKING POLITICAL COMEDIAN? Yeah, that sounds about right...
Best Documentary Feature..."man On Wire"!
10:17: Comedian dude sticks around for Documentary Short..."Smile Pinki"...DHMBIB's readers will find this hard to believe, but we did not see any of these Documentary Shorts...
10:22: The "Post-Production" Yearbrook has "Tick Tick Boom" by The Hives as its soundtrack, and no one here ('cept for us) knows what this is...
10:25: Speaking of songs and artists no one knows, here's Will Smith! Presenting the award for Visual Effects, because why the hell not?
Best Visual Effects..."Benjamin Button"! Didn't see it, BTW...
10:28: Oh, NOW he gets jiggy wit the sound categories...
Sound Editing..."The Dark Knight"!
Sound Mixing..."Slumdog"!
Memo to selves: remember in the next 12 months to figure out what the hell is the difference between "sound editing" and "sound mixing". Or, to continue to not give a shit, whatevs...
10:33: What the hell is Smith still doing here? Oh, another award..."Editing" is now in the "post-production bloc" of the show...
Editing..."Slumdog"!
10:40: Hacktacular comedian and comic actor Eddie Murphy is somehow exactly the right choice to present The Jean Hirsholt Humanitarian Award to JERRY FUCKING LEWIS [types that imagining Professor Frink's voice...]. This is the portion of the evening when the party we're at mutes the TV to do a trivia contest, so, sadly, we have no idea what Jerry Lewis is saying. But we're sure its very humanitarian. And unfunny.
10:50: We're back with the volume, and the orchestra is playing some kind of monatge, so it must be time for the sound categories...looks like M.I.A. is m.i.a. this evening
[Ha! bet ya didn't see THAT coming...]
10:52: Alicia Keys and Zac Efron (ZOMG!!!!!11!!11one!!1) are here to present the sound awards...first up: Original Score..."Slumdog"!
10:55: And here are the nominees for Original Song, which are being presented in one mash-up medley, because why the hell not? We don't have TIME for full performances of these songs because there are THREE of them, people! If we performed all THREE of these songs, we'd go over by 23 minutes, instead of 13 minutes, doncha know???
Okay, here's that one song from "Slumdog" that had Oscar offering to allow M.I.A. to perform in a freakin' bed if she would just stop griping about the fact that she just had a baby barely a week ago and get her lazy ass on a plane to Hollywood...
And here's that one song from WALL-E by Peter Gabriel, which Peter Gabriel reused to perform because he's somewhat of an insufferable prick, or maybe was pissed off about this whole medley thing, yeah that works...John Legend bravely offers to be not a prick and step up and give Oscar viewers ninety watchable-listenable seconds...
And here's that other song from "Slumdog" which did not have M.I.A. on it...
And ta-da that's it! And the winner is "Jai Ho" from "Slumdog", and now the music categories are gone, so we can get all these brown people off the stage and go back to giving awards to Jerry Lewis...
11:05: Two people we don't know are here to present the award for Best Foreign Language Film..."Departures"! This Japanese dude actually makes a joke about his film, but no one gets it, and the director very awkardly jumps to a reaction shot of the audience, who are silent. And then, the Japanese dude is played out. This awkward moment is the most unintentionally hilarious moment of the evening.
11:10: Queen Latifah introduces the death montage, and she sings...she is good...
11:19: Here's Reese Witherspoon to present the award for Best Director...ZOMG, only four awards to go and we still have 40 minutes to kill...maybe we can reprise the Original Song medley???
Best Director...Danny Boyle for "Slumdog Millionaire"...no one here is shocked...
11:25: They really are trying to hit that 12:00 uptime, aren't they? The Best Actress montage begins...
11:30: Which color crayon in the jumbo box most closely resembles Sophia Loren's skin tone? Is it "burnt sienna"? What the hell, let's go with "burnt sienna"
11:33: Best Actress...Kate Winslet finally wins her long-overdue Oscar, and absolutely no one is shocked...her acceptance speech is far-and-away the most genuine and emotional of the nite...
and how great is it that she asked her dad to whistle so she would know where in the theater he was, and he did, and she shouted out and waved to him...
"I'm sorry, Meryl, but you'll have to just suck that up!"...classic!
11:36: The Best Actor montage begins...
11:43: Best Actor...Sean Penn wins in a non-upset that everyone has been predicting for the last month even though Mickey Rourke was considered a lock around New Years Day...
..and we are very proud to say we marked Penn, one of our all-time favorite actors, on our ballots this year...
interestingly, the Wikipedia page for Best Actor Winners was updated before Penn had even begun his acceptance speech...
11:47: Steven Spielberg introduces a Best Picture montage that honors the current crop of nominees and some previous classic winners...this, along with Penn's and Winslet's -- especially Winslet -- overly-long acceptance speeches practically guarantee we'll miss our 12PM upcut...but! Oscar, you still get a trophy just for participating!
11:52: Finally, the nominees for Best Picture are announced..."Slumdog Millionaire"! And once again, no one is surprised...
11:54: If "Slumdog Millionaire" had only one nominated "Producer" why are there like eleventy billion people on the stage? Someone at the party just said: "I think everyone who has ever seen the movie is on stage right now"
11:55: BREAKING: Hugh Jackman says good night! We made it before midnight!
we're signing off now...edits and updates to follow over the next day or so...
-- DHMBIB
Sunday, February 22, 2009
OSCAR 2009: DHMBIB's Liveblog
Sunday, February 24, 2008
Oscars 2008: DHMBIB's Liveblog
Longtime readers may remember our terrible, boring liveblog of last year's Oscars. Our dear friend and faithful reader KG is hosting her annual Oscar party, and we're there.
So many questions this year! Will John Stewart be funny? Will this thing end before 12:30???
Find out with us, after the jump...
8:33 PM: The long death march begins.
8:37 PM: John Stewart gets off a great line about Hilary Clinton that I wasn't quick enough to record.
8:39 PM: And now, a great line about "staying the course" with Iraq war films, and not letting "the audience" win.
The verdict is in -- John Stewart is funny. This may be somewhat watchable.
8:42 PM: Wow!!! They're mixing it up this year. The first award is for Costume Design!!!
The whole room faints!
Jennifer Garner looks smashing in her own costume.
And the Oscar goes to...
"Elizabeth: The Golden Age"
8:47 PM: George Clooney!
He's funny too! He makes a joke about how long the ceremony always is!!!
And, we have our first -- trust me, not our only -- "let's look back at the last 80 years!!!" montage...
It's gonna be a long nite...
8:51 PM: John Stewart: "Our next presenter is one of the funniest people I know. And I think she's presenting with Steve Carrell."
Anne Hathaway and Steve Carrell appear. The writers have a funny setup about the two of them awarding the "documentary" Oscar, except they're really presenting the "animated feature" award.
And the award goes to...
"Ratatouille"...SHOCKING!!!
8:55 PM: A very nervous Katherine Heigl is the appropriate choice to present the award for Makeup, as she typically wears more than was used in all of the nominated films.
ZING!
And the award goes to...
"La Vie En Rose"
"NORBIT" WAS ROBBED!!!
8:59 PM: Our first nominated song..."Working Song"...time for me to take a breakzzzzzzzzzzzz...
9:06 PM: Finally back from what seems like the world's longest commercial break, Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson appears to present the award for "Visual Effects".
And the award goes to...
"The Golden Compass" FTW!!!
Everyone here seems to think that's an upset.
9:09 PM: Bang! Bang! Bang! If they keep giving out awards at this rate, they'll never make it to 12:30!!!
Cate Blanchett presents the award for Art Direction.
And the award goes to...
"Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber Of Fleet Street".
Everyone here is doing equally poorly in our pools. Maybe I have a chance this year!!!
9:15 PM: The appearance of J-Hud must mean we're getting the "Supporting Actor" category now.
And the award goes to...
Javier Bardem, "No Country For Old Men".
No one here is surprised. I think we all got that right.
9:20 PM: "Oscar's salute to binoculars and periscopes"! FTW!!!
9:24 PM: That one actress fom "Felicity" introduces another nominated song. Everyone gets up to go to the bar.
9:29 PM: I missed the presentation, but the award for "Short Film -- Live Action" goes to...
"Le Mozart Des Pickpockets (The Mozart Of Pickpockets)".
9:31 PM: Jerry Seinfeld in bee character presents the award for "Short Film -- Animated" to...
"Peter & The Wolf".
I have no idea who I picked in these categories. A "short film" to me is a music video.
Uh...SNOOP DOGG WUZ ROBBED!!!
9:34 PM: Alan Arkin's appearance must mean it's time for "Best Supporting Actress".
And the award goes to...
Tilda Swinton!
Only one of us got that right. And it wasn't me!
9:44 PM: See, this is just mean. This is as close as Jessica Alba will ever get to an Oscar, and they don't even let her present anything. She's just announcing some of the "technical" awards given earlier in the evening.
9:46 PM: Josh Brolin and James McAvoy present the award for "Best Adapted Screenplay". No one here doubts the outcome.
The Coen brothers FTW!!! "No Country For Old Men".
9:50 PM: The Academy Dude introduces a video about "how the nominees are determined and the ballots are counted". Even THIS is funny.
Well done, Oscar. Well done.
9:53 PM: ZOMG!!! HANNAH MONTANA IS ON THE OSCARS!!!
Miley Cyrus, looking beautiful but talking like a 15-year-old ("awesome"), introduces another nominated song.
Don't be surprised if you see her on this stage many more times.
10:00 PM: Two of our party guests have gotten 8 categories correct out of 10.
I have 4 correct. I feel pretty good about that.
10:01: John Stewart announces Dame Judy Dench and Halle Berry. But out come Seth Rogan and some other dude I don't know who proceed to do a "I get to be Dame Judy. No I do." routine that's somehow less funny than my description.
And the award for "Sound Editing" goes to...
"The Bourne Ultimatum".
10:04 PM: The pair stick around for "Sound Editing".
WHY ARE THEY STILL DOING THIS UNFUNNY SHTICK???
And the winner is...
"The Bourne Ultimatum".
10:10 PM: Wait, what's Forrest Whitaker doing on the stage? It's only 10PM -- it's not time for Best Actress!
What??? BEST ACTRESS???
And the award goes to...
Marion Cotillard FTW!!!
Only one guest at the party called that.
10:18 PM: Colin Farell presents another nominated song. We all agree it's not entertaining.
10:22 PM: Jack Nicholson appears to introduce a montage about all of the "Best Picture" winners in Oscar's 80-year history.
We get to see every one of the 79.
EVERY SINGLE FREAKIN' ONE!!!
10:28 PM: Renee Zellweger in a beautiful dress and a short new bob presents the award for "Film Editing".
And the award goes to...
"The Bourne Ultimatum".
I'm "grading" the ballot of AC, wonderful husband of my dear friend KG. "The Bourne Ultimatum" seems to have been his favorite film this year, or maybe the only film he saw this year. Anyway, he's cleaning up over the last hour or so.
10:31 PM: Nicole Kidman presents the Lifetime Achievement Award to Robert Boyle, a famed Art Director.
This is the point in the evening when we play "The R. Bradley Koerner Memorial Trivia Contest".
CONTROVERSY!!! I am called upon to determine the source of the line "All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy". It is, in fact, originally from "The Bridge On The River Kwai".
10:42 PM: Penelope Cruz presents the award for "Foreign Language Film". Shockingly, I haven't seen any of the nominees.
And the award goes to...
"The Counterfeiters".
10:45 PM: Our last nominated song. Man, these songs are terrible. Didn't Beyonce perform a song in a movie this year???
10:50 PM: John Travolta presents the award for "Original Song".
FINALLY!!! NO MORE OF THESE "NOMINATED" SONGS!!! I CAN"T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!
And the award goes to...
"Falling Slowly", from "Once".
10:56 PM: One of the winners in the Original Song category didn't get to speak before the orchestra played them off. John Stewart called her back on stage and let her give her acceptance speech. Very classy.
10:59 PM: Cameron Diaz looks outstanding in that dress, and she presents the award for "Cinematography".
And the award goes to...
"There Will Be Blood".
Oddly, it's the first award of the night for the 8-time nominee.
11:03 PM: The "folks who left us this year" tribute. I missed the introduction, but KG was right about this -- the room was silent when Heath Ledger was shown at the end.
11:09 PM: Someone whose name I missed comes out to present the award for "Original Score".
And the award goes to...
"Atonement".
My man AC is cleaning up! He might win this thing.
11:11 PM: Tom Hanks comes out to introduce a group of soldiers in Iraq, who present the award for "Documentary Short".
This is really cool.
And the award goes to...
"Freeheld".
AND AC HAS TIED FOR THE LEAD!!!
Tom Hanks sticks around to present the award for "Documentary Feature".
And the award goes to...
"Taxi To The Dark Side".
No one here got that right.
11:24 PM: Harrison Ford presents the award for "Original Screenplay".
And the award goes to...
Diablo Cody for "Juno". Is this an upset???
11:30 PM: Helen Mirren walks onstage after a montage of Best Actor winners plays. I wonder what's happening now???
And the award goes to...
Daniel Day Lewis for "There Will Be Blood".
I'm hearing rumblings of a possible tie in the pool.
11:36 PM: ZOMG!!! ONLY TWO AWARDS LEFT! THEY MIGHT ACTUALLY FINISH UP ON TIME THIS YEAR!!!
11:42 PM: Martin Scorsese presents the award for "Best Director" after a nice "guys who won this earlier" montage.
And the award goes to...
The Coen brothers. No surprise there...
Stay on stage, guys. "Best Picture" is coming up.
11:44 PM: Denzel Washington presents the award for "Best Picture".
What, is Oscar renting the Kodak by the minute or something???
And the award goes to...
"No Country For Old Men". Again, no surprise there...
11:47 PM: ZOMG!!! IT'S OVER!!!!
What am I gonna do for the next 30+ minutes???
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
BREAKING: Tired, Bored Oscar Viewers Turn Off Teevees Early
Because ABC told Nielsen that the official end -- for ratings purposes -- of Sunday nite's Oscar telecast would be 11:59 PM, the Nielsen "average" numbers released on Monday do not reflect the real ratings of the ceremony. It is widely-known in the biz that lots of viewers turn off the show if it runs past midnite, which Sunday's ran-til-12:22AM-snoozzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzathon did. Including that lower-rated period would have lowered the broadcast's "average" ratings number.
I would assume that the networks pay Nielsen for something-like-reel-real-time-numbers, and knew from past experience that this would be the case. I would also assume that the decision to cut off the measurement at midnite was a desparate attempt to keep the average ratings from sinking below the average ratings for the AI6 season premiere, which would have been a disaster for ABC:
Oscars, 25 February 2007: 39.9 million
American Idol, 16 January 2007: 37.4 million
*****
Bonus: Sunday's Oscar telecast was the third-longest ever, behind only 2000 [12:41 AM finish] and 2002 [12:34 AM finish].
39.9 Mil, but Who's Counting? [washingtonpost.com -- first item]
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
Live-Blogging The 2007 Oscars: The After
I thought I would do a brief wrap-up of my post-Oscar thoughts. Thankfully, this will not be as long as my post on the show. And on that note...
Oscar has known for years that the primary complaints about the telecast are that it is WAY TOO FUCKING LONG and WAY TOO FUCKING BORING [and this year's telecast was maybe. The. Worst. Oscars. Ever.]. This has caused all kinds of problems for Oscar, the most important of which is declining ratings.
Okay, sure, Oscar still is the highest-rated awards show of the season. And lots of other shows would kill to be in Oscar's "precarious" position. But Oscar has to be worried about its longer-term slide. The future for Oscar is ominous.
Programming on television exists for ONE REASON ONLY -- to aggregate viewers in front of advertisers. That's it. Sorry to burst your bubble. [N.B.: Don't talk to me about "commercial-free" television that survives on government subsidies and corporate funding [*cough* "commercials" *cough*] such as PBS or "commercial free" television that survives on subscriber fees such as HBO.] There is no accounting for "high art" or "critical acclaim" here -- if the viewers don't show up, the advertisers won't show up, and the show is gone. This happens with all forms of entertainment television, including sitcoms [e.g., "Arrested Development"] and sports leagues [e.g., the USFL].
We hear a lot about how the multitude of entertainment options [DVDs, video games, the internet, cable/satellite, music, etc., etc., etc.] available to consumers has impacted the viewership of "the traditional networks", and that's absolutely true. But a dirty little secret of the networks is THEY DON'T CARE ABOUT THAT. All of the corporate-owned networks have their hands in multiple "traditional" networks, cable networks [general, specialty, and niche], movie studios, sports teams, etc., etc., etc. Many of these entertainment options have very small niche audiences, but that's okay -- there are still advertisers that will pay handsomely to target their advertising at these niche audiences with predictable interests.
The big albatross the "traditional" networks still have to deal with, ironically enough, IS the "traditional" network channels. Even though most Americans have easy access to dozens or hundreds of other choices, programming on these channels still is expected to draw multiple millions of viewers. If a show doesn't live up to these standards, it will either be cancelled or shipped off to one of the smaller-audience cable channels.
Rob, you're rambling on just like Oscar does. What does any of this have to do with Oscar?
Two words: Miss America.
Within the lifetimes of many DHMBIB readers, "Miss America" was the most popular program on television. In the mid-60's, the audience for the program began to erode, as the program's depiction of the "feminine ideal" was becoming increasingly out-of-step with changing cultural tastes [hmmm, sound familiar???]. Many attempts to revive the ratings only delayed the inevitable, and in 2004, Miss America's broadcast partner -- ABC [ahem!] -- dropped her.
Miss America now runs on...wait for it...CMT. FWIW, CMT is part of the MTV Networks family of cable channels.
So, Oscar, babe -- watch your back!
*****
As noted above, Oscar's ratings are still excellent. It will likely take many years for them to sag to Miss America territory. But American Idol is poised to overtake Oscar, and that is not good news for ABC.
Oscar's preliminary average rating this year was 39.9 million viewers, which was actually up slightly over last year and was double the number of viewers for either Grammy [CBS] or Golden Globe [NBC].
Meanwhile, American Idol [Fox] is bringing in 30+ million viewers twice [and sometimes thrice] a week.
I predict that this year's finale of American Idol will beat Oscar in the ratings. Write that down, and come back in late May and we'll talk again.
*****
So, I wanted to offer some ideas about things that Oscar can do to pick up its ratings. This will most likely be accomplished by shortening the show and perking it up.
Here are some things Oscar should do shorten the show, zip it up, and make it more appealing to viewers:
* Cut the show down to three hours: Heresy, I know. But it has to be done. Four hours is simply too long. Cutting the show down to three hours means Oscar will have to...
* Get rid of some of the categories: Oscar gave out 24 awards on the air this year, not counting "special" awards. Grammy gave out 11 awards on the air this year, again not counting "special" awards. That looks like Oscar was "more efficient" in giving out its awards, but it only looks that way. Grammy gives out many more "special" awards every year. And more importantly -- most of Grammy's non-award time is spent on musical performances.
Grammy also has lots more awards that it gives out than Oscar does. Grammy knows it can't put everything on TV, so it presents most of its awards before the ceremony and runs a graphic on screen announcing who won these awards. The effect actually makes the ceremony feel zippier, and the telecast looks more like modern TV with its bottom-screen "ticker".
Oscar needs to get rid of many of its awards. I'm not saying "a quarter", because I propose below some new awards be added. I started to make a list of the awards that should go, but I see it's easier to make a list of the awards that should stay: the Acting awards (both levels); Picture; Director; Animated (Feature); Song (Original); and Visual Effects. Yep, that's it.
My rule of thumb: If the average viewer won't recognize or hasn't seen the winner, the category should not be on TV. Which leads me to my next suggestion...
* Nominate some movies and actors that people know: How many Oscar discussions have you had where most of the participants said, "I haven't seen any of the nominated movies this year." Exactly.
Oscar should take a page out of Golden Globes's playbook and split its acting and film categories into Boring Drama and Interesting Comedy / Musical categories. Yes, that will add new categories, but will also lead to the nomination of a lot more movies and actors with which the average viewer will be familiar. It also will avoid the annual debates about whether movies like Dreamgirls or -- heaven forbid!!! -- Borat should be nominated for "Best Picture".
To accommodate these new categories, Oscar will need to...
* Get rid of the montages and "special" awards: We don't need a five-minute montage on the history of the depiction of the journalist in film. Seriously. We don't. Get rid of everything except for the people-we've-lost-this-year montage. That one is nice.
Also, Oscar should lose its "special" awards like "Lifetime Achievement" and that "Humanitarian" thing. It's fine to honor the recipients, but they don't need a montage and then an award and then a three-minute speech. Grammy has its award presenters announce these special awards before they give out the "main" award for which they are on stage. That's sufficient.
Together, these two changes will take out some of the most boring parts of the show and will give the producers huge chunks of time back. Time they can use to...
* Put something exciting on the stage: Oscar should do everything it possibly can to have five exciting and dynamic songs nominated in the "Original Song" category. That means, among other things: NO MORE RANDY NEWMAN OR JAMES TAYLOR. The nominees -- and the performers -- in this category should look more like the pop charts and less like the adult contemporary charts. Beyonce: good. Jennifer Hudson: good. Three 6 Mafia: good.
Seriously, the only time during this year's telecast that I put my computer down and actually WATCHED AND LISTENED was during the J.Hud-B "diva-off".
*****
Okay, I've already written too much. And I know I'm not the first person to recommend that Oscar make some of these types of changes.
Just my $.02
Sunday, February 25, 2007
Live-Blogging The 2007 Oscars: The During
[Our wonderful hosts, KG and AC.]
[This entry will be updated after the Oscars for spelling, grammar, etc., missing information, and with photos, links, etc. I will not make note of these updates.
If you care about such things, I'm very sorry for you.
All non-party images courtesy oscar.com except as noted.]
7:55 PM: Here I am at my friends' [KG & AC] place. Get ready for a trainwreck.
Strangely, on a Sunday, I am drinking champagne. Good champage. Indeed -- the best champagne I have had in...weeks!
There is a lot of "oohing" and "aahing". But it has nothing to do with the Red Carpet. I field a lot of questions about "what is live-blogging???"
8:00 PM: We begin the telecast with that crappy animation starring Host Ellen Degeneres and those damn Penguins. Feh.
8:0-whatever PM: The stars are still arriving??? When is this snoozefest ceremony going to begin???
8:10 PM: KG explains the rules of our Oscar contest. Pick all the categories. Grade someone else's ballots [because we can't be trusted to grade our own]. Winner takes 80% of the "entrance fee". 20% of the entrance fee goes toward a trivia contest. I will lose both contests. Even though I am ON THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW.
8:0-whatever PM: Still on the damn red carpet!!! Party Guest HK gives us the bad news that the actual awards ceremony won't begin until 8:30. AWESOME!!!
8:25 PM: No one here is paying attention. We don't care what Helen Mirren is wearing. We are all eating and drinking.
8:30 PM: The telecast finally begins. Some sort of montage of nominees and former winners.
8:35 PM: We introduce "the nominees". Are they going to be on stage? No. They just stand up in the audience. There's Leo in the front row.
8:36 PM: Ellen Degeneres is this year's host. I like Ellen. And I think her low-key dry wit is perfect for the Oscars.
8:39 PM: Ellen makes a joke about all the "pressure" the nominees must be feeling. It's very funny but it goes on waaaaaaaaaaay too long.
8:40 PM: Ellen finally makes a funny: "It's not that we don't like acceptance speeches. It's that we don't like boring acceptance speeches."
8: 42 PM: Ellen makes another good funny -- comparing and contrasting Jennifer Hudson and Al Gore. Also, something about the difference between American Idol and the presidential election. Wait -- is there any difference???
8:45 PM: The first Oscar. Wait -- it's not "Best Supporting Actress"??? No, Oscar decided this year that the best way to combat declining ratings throughout the evening was to MOVE ALL THE AWARDS THAT ANYONE CARES ABOUT TO THE END OF THE SHOW.
[Which just means that a lot of people won't tune in until late. Which should even out the ratings a bit, as those late-tuner-inners balance out the I'm-going-to-bed-because-I-can't-watch-this-snoozefest-anymorers.]
So, Nicole Kidman & Daniel Craig present the award for "Art Direction".
It's going to be a long nite.
The winner: Pan's Labyrinth.
8:48 PM: Maggie Gylenhaal appears to talk about something about sound technical something or other. One of those "pre-ceremony" awards.
8:52 PM: Will Ferrell, Jack Black, and John C. Reilly perform a very funny musical number about how Oscar doesn't like funny movies. It's all very funny -- everyone at the party and in the auditorium laughs.
I guess it's funny because it's true.
8:57 PM: Completely non-ironically, these three stick around to present the award for..."Makeup".
Seriously.
The winner: Pan's Labyrinth.
8:59 PM: Rob: "IT'S A SWEEP FOR PAN'S LABYRINTH!!!"
9:00 PM: Abigail Breslyn [Little Miss Sunshine herself] and Jaden Smith [Will Smith's kid, who plays...wait for it...Will Smith's kid in The Pursuit Of Happyness] bound onto the stage to present the nominees for...wait for it..."Animated Short".
GET IT??? "ANIMATED SHORT"???
The winner: The Danish Poet.
9:03 PM: The kids stick around for "Live Action Short".
GET IT??? KIDS??? "SHORT"???
The winner: West Bank Story.
9:12 PM: Some "group" of people called "Elements & Motion" "perform". Apparently, they are "famous" for making sound effects with their voices. Rob: "who are these people"? Party Guest: "Frankly, if you've never heard of 'Elements & Motion', you've lost all credibility as a blogger".
We all laugh. Because it's funny.
[And you can trust me when I tell you it's funny, because I'm a blogger. Seriously.]
9:14 PM: Steve Carrell and Greg Kinnear appear to present the award for...wait for it..."Sound Editing". They make jokes about themselves and the importance of sound editing.
It's about as funny to watch as it to read...or blog.
The winner: Letters From Iwo Jima.
9:18 PM: JESSICA BIEL and some guy whose name is actually "who cares?" appear to present the award for "Sound Mixing". [Actually, his name is "James McAvoy". But I was too distracted to hear that.]
[Regular readers know that DHMBIB <3's Jessica Biel.]
The winner: also is actually named "who cares?" -- JESSICA BIEL is presenting the award.
[Jess on the Red Carpet. The party consensus was that it was a "nice" dress and she looked very "beautiful". However, there was some dissent. I think from the ScarJo fans in the house.
Image courtesy jessicabielcentral.com. Seriously. And I'm not ashamed to admit it.]
Sorry. The winner: Dreamgirls.
[I am passing on the obvious opportunity to make a "Jess is my dreamgirl" joke. Thank me for it at your leisure.]
9:21 PM: Rachel Weisz appears to present the first "big one" -- "Supporting Actor".
Of course, Eddie Murphy will win.
The winner: Alan Arkin.
Is this the first "upset" of the evening? Was it the fatsuit???
9:28 PM: WTF was that??? An interpretive dance something. Time for a break.
9:31 PM: James Taylor and Randy Newman perform "Our Town" from Cars, the first of the "Original Song" nominees. We give the song a collective "thumbs down".
9:34 PM: Melissa Ethridge performs another nominated song, "I Need To Wake Up" from An Inconvenient truth. We all laugh at the "karaoke" going on behind her.
9:36 PM: Star alert!!! AL FUCKING GORE and LEO FUCKING DICAPRIO come on stage. Leo asks Al if he wants to announce anything. Al says, "Thanks, Leo, but I'm here for the movies". Leo then proceeds to kiss Al's ass in a big green way. Then something about the Oscars being green. No one here knows what that means.
[Classic style is always classy.]
Then Leo asks Al if he's sure there isn't something else he wants to say. Al starts into a very earnest speech, noting the historic nature of the occasion, the large audience, etc., and then "My fellow Americans..." And then the orchestra plays him off.
This gets the biggest laugh of the night.
Al and Leo exit stage right, congratulating each other on their funny.
9:41 PM: In honor of the Oscars being "green", Ellen "recycles" some jokes. They are supposed to be "old" jokes. They are not funny.
9:42 PM Cameron Diaz appears to present the award for "Animated Feature". [Get it??? She was the voice of Princess Fiona in the Shrek movies???] The "nominees" are shown in animated form in the audience. That is funny.
The winner: Happy Feet.
[The consensus of the group on this dress? Do I need to tell you???]
9:44 PM: KG breaks something in the kitchen. We all miss the Penguins' acceptance speech. THANKS KG!!!
KG's mishap forces her to change dresses. But fortunately for DHMBIB readers, she changed back after her dress dried out. Pictures to follow.
9:49 PM: Helen Mirren and Tom Hanks appear to present the award for "Adapted Screenplay".
It's awesome to hear Helen Mirren -- or anyone on the Oscar stage -- say these words: "Borat: Cultural Learnings Of America For Make Benefit Glorious Nation Of Kazakhstan".
The winner: The Departed.
Oscar obviously does not know how to goose ratings.
9:55 PM: Chris Connelly takes us out to commercial with some sort of weird "horse-racey" thing.
Yeah, Oscar. That's what you need to do.
10:00 PM: Ellen walks out on stage with one of those front baby carriers holding an Oscar. The joke is not very funny.
10:01 PM: Anne Hathaway and Emily Blunt come out and do some unfunny shtick that is supposed to remind everyone of The Devil Wears Prada. But they do make a joke about Meryl Streep's character, and the camera cuts to MS, who has an unhappy look on her face. Perfect acting. It brings down the house [the Kodak] and the house [the KG].
AH & EB present the award for "Costume Design".
The winner: Marie Antoinette.
[Apparently, Anne Hathaway was in the kitchen with KG during "the mishap" and didn't have time to change before her presentation. We aren't digging whatever was the idea behind this "costume design".]
10:05 PM: Tom Cruise comes out to present the "Jean Hersholt Humantarian Humanitarian Award" to Sherry Lansing. There is some very "inside-baseball" stuff associated with this, but I don't have the time or the inclination to do anything other than link to it. Something to do with "everyone hates Sumner Redstone".
We mute the TV for the trivia contest. I am ineligible for this because, you know, I'm on the googles...
10:10 PM: Ellen wanders in to the audience and finds Clint Eastwood. She sits in his lap and gives Steven Spielberg -- two seats over -- a camera and asks him to take their picture. Even without sound, it's humorous.
UPDATE: BREAKING: Ask A Muted TV No Questions And It Will Tell You No Lies...
DHMBIB operative Sttaci sends in this report:
" It's actually too bad you missed the Ellen & Clint Eastwood part, one of the funniest...she actually didn't sit in his lap. He asked her if she had a script for him like she did for Martin, to which she replied that she didn't and she actually was hoping to get a picture for her MySpace page and asked Spielberg to do it to make the comment cooler. She then made him take three pictures until she liked it...problem with parties, you never know if you'll miss the funny stuff...ah well. "
[Unfortunately, the "joke" falls a little flat in the Kodak because no one there knows what "MySpace" is -- Ed.]
10:12 PM: Gwyneth Paltrow appears to present the award for "Cinematography".
The winner: Pan's Labyrinth.
Some people think Gwyneth Paltrow was among the "worst dressed" of the evening. I didn't think it was that bad. She's been worse. What do you think?
[Image courtesy yahoo.com.]
10:21 PM: Naomi Watts and Hugh Jackman [sorry!] Robert Downey Jr. present the award for "Visual Effects".
The winner: Pirates Of The Carribean: Dead Man's Chest.
10:23 PM: Rob blogs: "This party is better than this show." [How very meta -- Ed.]
10:25 PM: Catherine Deneuve and some other guy appear to present a "tribute" to "foreign language films". It's very long and boring. Everyone here thinks it's waaaaaaaaaay too long.
10:30 PM: Clive Owen and Cate Blanchett appear to present the award for "Foreign Language Film".
GET IT??? THEY'RE BOTH "FOREIGN"!!!
Oscar, you are splitting my sides!!!
The winner: The Lives Of Others.
10:31 PM: Heading to the commercial break, the weird interpretive dance people -- with the assistance of Ellen -- give a shout-out to Snakes On A Plane. I inquire and find that I am one of only three people at the party [out of 18 or so] who actually saw SOAP. One Party Guest suggests that the three of us should have our Oscar-Party passes revoked for this terrible transgression.
10:33 PM: George Clooney appears and makes a joke about "drinking backstage with Jack Nicholson and Al Gore. Apparently, he's not running for President."
GC presents the award for "Supporting Actress". FINALLY!
The winner: Jennifer Hudson.
10:36 PM: Jennifer Hudson gives the teariest acceptance speech of the nite.
[And I am telling you I'm not going...to stop crying anytime soon.
Obvious joke. Sorry.
Okay, I have to call a little "bullshit" on this whole "second chance at stardom" meme that has developed around Jennifer Hudson. Jennifer Hudson was one of three head-and-shoulders-above-everyone-else singers on AI3. But there can only be one "winner" of AI. So everyone else has to be "voted off". One of those "everyone elses" was Jennifer Hudson -- and the "winner" was at least her equal. "Dreamgirls" put Jennifer Hudson in front of people who *don't* watch American Idol. People who do watch American Idol already knew she was a star. End of rant.]
10:42 PM : Who are these presenters??? [UPDATE: We are reliably informed waaay after-the-fact that they were Gael Garcia Bernal and Eva Green -- Ed.] Anyway, they present the award for "Documentary Short".
The winner: The Blood Of Yingzhou District.
Yawn.
10:45 PM: JERRY SEINFELD??? Of course, that makes SO MUCH FUCKING SENSE!!!
Jerry makes a few good funnies. He calls the nominated documentaries "very depressing".
JS presents the award for "Documentary Feature".
The winner: An Inconvenient Truth.
[Everyone knew this was going to happen. I won't even bother with a "BREAKING" joke.]
KG, two weeks ago: "It's nothing more than a glorified PowerPoint presentation!!!"
Al Gore joins Davis Guggenheim et al. on stage. "We have everything we need to solve the global climate crisis, except for the will to act, which is a renewable resource."
Best line of the nite.
10:50 PM: Clint Eastwood appears to introduce a mongtage about some Italian Dude's scoring [Whoa!!! -- Ed.]. Everyone is bored.
[I have learned that Italian Dude's real name is Ennio Morricone. But I prefer "Italian Dude", so I'm sticking with that -- Ed.]
10:56 PM: Celine Dion sings one of said Italian Dude's songs. No one knows what it is.
11:00 PM: Said Italian Dude wins some sort of "lifetime achievement" award. His acceptance speech is in Italian. Clint Eastwood "translates" for him. He says "thanks".
11:04 PM: This speech is still going on???
11:05 PM: The modified GM-robot-that-commits-suicide ad runs. The modified ad is more PC but now makes no sense.
11:07 PM: Penelope Cruz and Hugh Jackman appear to present the award for "Original Score". They make a joke about one of the nominees coming "all the way from Baltimore". See, Italian Dude above.
The winner: Babel.
11:10 PM: Ellen introduces the president of the Academy [AMPAS], Sid Ganis. He does his "what is AMPAS?" speech in a taped piece that is sped up and slightly chipmunked-voice. This is a joke about how the ceremony is dragging. It is chuckle-inducing.
11:11 PM: Kirsten Dunst and Tobey Maguire appear to shill for the next Spider Man film present the award for "Original Screenplay".
The winner: Little Miss Sunshine.
11:17 PM: Chris Connelly again. This breathless reporting thing is really unnecessary.
11:20 PM: Oscar-caliber actress [see: Gigli...Actually, better advice: don't see Gigli] JENNIFER FUCKING LOPEZ appears to introduce the Dreamgirls, who perform their three nominees for "original song".
This is definitely the highlight of the evening.
Oscar needs more of the dynamism of someone like Beyonce [and Jennifer Hudson as well]. Beyonce's take on "Listen" has given me goose bumps.
Even Ellen is applauding.
Here are JH and B doing "Love You I Do" and "Listen". There is a lively debate on the internets about which diva got the best of this duel. What do you think?
[AMPAS should change its bylaws to require that at least one picture every year feature a song performed by Beyonce or Jennifer Hudson. Or possibly Shakira. And that said song will be nominated in the "Original Song" category. And that said singer will be required to perform it at the ceremony. That would help TREMENDOUSLY -- Ed.]
11:28 PM: Ellen: "I'd hate to have to follow that. Ladies and gentleman, here are Queen Latifah and John Travolta." John Travolta: "It's nice to see a full-figured woman on the screen singing her heart out." Queen Latifah? Jennifer Hudson? No. "But enough about me".
It's a great line. Scientology has given John Travolta the strength to make fun of himself and all those pesky rumors.
QL & JT present the award for "Original Song".
The winner: "I Need To Wake Up" [Melissa Ethridge] from An Inconvenient Truth.
I'm doing poorly in the contest [of course]. But I got this one right. I always get this one right. Go figure.
Fuck you, Randy Newman!!!
11:35 PM: Will Smith appears to introduce another montagezzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
11:42 PM: Kate Winslet appears to present the award for "Editing".
The winner: The Departed.
Okay. It's a lock. Martin Scorsese will finally win his damn Oscar and we can all stop talking about this.
11:48 PM: Jody Foster presents the "people-who-died-this-year" montage.
11:50 PM: BREAKING: OSCARS TO RUN OVER ALLOTED TIME SLOT
11:52 PM: Ellen jokes about the show running latezzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
BREAKING: OSCAR HOST READS AREA BLOG, CRIBS JOKE ABOUT OSCARS RUNNING OVER TIME.
11:53 PM: One of Oscar's finest traditions -- the winners of last year's Acting awards present this year's awards in the opposite sex category. Philip Seymour Hoffman appears to present the award for "Best Actress". Everyone notes that PSH's hair looks like he's just rolled out of bed. Or out of the gutter. Or maybe both, if he sleeps in the gutter.
The winner: Julianna Margulies in Snakes On A Plane.
No, seriously, the winner: Helen Mirren.
No surprise there.
11:57 PM: Helen Mirren introduces the audience to "the Queen". It's the Oscar statuette. Har har.
12:02 AM: Here's Reese Witherspoon. I think Reese is the first person to appear tonite that everyone at the party universally loves. This must be the "Best Actor" category.
The winner: Forest Whitaker. Again with the no-surprise thing.
Maybe Oscar could juice things up by giving us a few out-of-left-field surprises. Like: Best Actor - Sacha Baron Cohen.
12:07 AM: Francis Ford Coppola, George Lucas, and Steven Spielberg appear to present the award for "Best Director". Gee, I wonder why these three guys would be chosen for this???
The winner: BREAKING: IN UPSET ABSOLUTELY NO ONE PREDICTED, MARTIN SCORSESE WINS FIRST OSCAR
12:13 AM: Diane Keaton and "Bald" Jack Nicholson present the award for "Best Picture". The consensus of the party is that Diane Keaton's dress is not "Oscar-worthy".
The winner: The Departed.
KG is seriously not happy -- she really wanted Babel to win.
12:17 AM: Ellen bids us all good nite.
Damn, those last four awards blew through fast. Did I say "damn"? Sorry, I meant "THANK GOD"!!!
Ellen Degeneres did a very nice job. This is one of the hardest gigs in showbiz, and she acquitted herself well. Her brand of comedy is funny enough for most viewers, but at the same time inoffensive to them and to the too-big-for-their-britches folks in the Kodak [see: Jon Stewart].
[KG, still looking red-carpet-tacular at the end of the night. Me, well, not so much.]
[Thank you for reading this far. Please feel free to leave comments.]
BREAKING: Area Blogger Who Knows Nothing About Movies To Live-Blog Oscars
My dear friend KG is [among other things] a movie person. Every year, she throws a big formal Oscar-nite party. I am committed to go this year, because she is my friend, because I promised her I would, and because I made her sit through the Grammys with me two weeks ago.
I am not a movie person and otherwise wouldn't care about the Oscars except for this party. So to make the evening more palatable for myself, I will be live-blogging the Oscars from KG's place.
My half-assed non-movie-knowledgeable blogging should be excruciatingly lame fun!!!
Check it out here in "reel" time.
[Get it??? Har har.]
Sunday, February 11, 2007
Liveblogging The 2007 Grammys
[Updated [Monday 2.12]: I have gone back and re-edited the live-blog to clean up some spelling errors and fill in some information I couldn't get my fingers on in the heat of the battle. Also, I've added purdy pictures, and it's all linkified!!! I have not marked the updated or changed information. Yes, I have changed history. If you care deeply about such things, screw you!!! get a life!!! try Google cache.]
Posts appear oldest-at-the-top...
8:00 PM: The Police reform, and to no one's surprise, they're performing "Roxanne". Feh.
8:05 PM: Jamie Foxx underwhelms the audience, who just want to hear some music.
8:06 PM: The award for "Best Pop Collaboration With Vocals" goes to...Tony Bennett and Stevie Wonder for "For Once In My Life".... To absolutely no one's surprise. Stevie dedicates the award to his late mother. Tony thanks "the best sponsor [he's] ever worked for in [his] life", TARGET. TAR-fucking-GET!!!
I'm liveblogging this at my friend KG's place. KG is not a music person, but she was very happy that they won.
8:10 PM: Joan Baez introduces The Dixie Chicks. Hmmm, politics. Just wondering.... Anyways, The Chicks, looking absolutely fabulous, perform for the last time ever, probably. Look for The Chicks to take home 3 trophies.
8:18 PM: Prince receives the biggest ovation of the night [still young, yeah] when he introduces Beyonce. Wonder what that was about? Oh, maybe it has something to do with that Super Bowl thing. Beyonce sings "Listen" from Dreamgirls. Haven't seen it, sorry. KG, who is a movie person, hasn't seen it either. What does that tell you???
8:21 PM: The Black Eyed Peas announce that Booker T & MG's have received a lifetime achievement award. KG thinks that Fergie's dress is atrocious and tacky.
The BEPs then announce Mary J. Blige as the winner in the "Best R&B Album" category for the The Breakthrough. She then proceeds to thank everyone she has ever met. Except for Chevrolet. And Snickers.
8:33 PM: Justin Timberlake performs the excellent "What Goes Around, Comes Around". KG wants to know why he's still longing for Britney if he's bringing sexyback with Jessica Biel and Scarlett Johansson. Best performance of the young nite.
8:37 PM: The Grammys enter the YouTube age. Justin films himself finishing the track. How 2006.
8:39 PM: Pink and T.I. announce that The Doors have received a lifetime achievement award. KG: "But their lifetimes ended a long time ago!!!" Pink looks just as bored as KG.
Pink and T.I. also announce Mary J. Blige as the winner in the "Best Female R&B Vocal Performance" category. Mary J. wins another Grammy. Shaping up to be Mary J.'s nite.
8:47 PM: Stevie Wonder introduces three great singer-songwriters, Corrine Bailey Rae, John Legend & John Mayer. KG is very bored. John Mayer, what is up with that hair???
8:57 PM: Nelly Furtado, Natasha Beddingfield & Nicole Scherzinger [wait, who is Nicole Scherzinger again??? -- Ed.] -- get it? all of their names begin with the letter "N"...get it??? -- present the award for "Best Pop Vocal Album". Nelly says, "How can we follow that?" Could she possibly be referring to the singer-songrwiterzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. What? The Grammys are on? Please, do better than that Corinne-John-John snoozefest. The award goes to...John Mayer. JOHN MAYER??? ARRRRRRRRGHHHHHHH!!!! PLEASE SHOOT ME NOW!!!!
9:04 PM: Shakira & Wyclef Jean perform "Hips Don't Lie". Shakira and her non-lying hips inject a much-needed jolt of energy into the moribund proceedings.
9:09 PM: The first of "The Big Four"...Burt Bacharach and Seal announce the winner of the award for "Song Of The Year"...THE DIXIE CHICKS..."Not Ready To Make Nice"...Natalie Maines gets the first big laugh of the nite: "For the first time in my life, I'm speechless"...
9:17 PM CBS says, "Hey, watch our other shows!!!" Alyson Hannigan and Robin Sparkles Cobie Smulders, stars of "How I Met Your Mother" [the best sitcom on the teevee networks -- Ed.], announce that The Grateful Dead are lifetime achievement winners. KG refuses to make the same "lifetime" joke she made earlier. Then they introduce Gnarls Barkley.
WTF was that??? It most certainly was not "crazy", unless "crazy" is now a synonym for "lame". The Record Of The Year cannot be this boring!!!
9:25 PM: Kanye West and Common announce Ludacris as the winner in the "Best Rap Album" category. KG and I both agree that the rapper-turned-actor has done the best acting job of the night, making the audience and the cameras think he's looking at them instead of at his notes.
9:32 PM: Terrence Howard tells the academy it's hard out here for a pimp. He also announces that Maria Callas is a lifetime achievement honoree. KG: "Since when does opera have anything to do with the Grammy's???"
TH also introduces Mary J., who performs "Be Without You". Mary J. obvs got the memo -- keep it boring. Okay, nice finish, not that boring.
9:40 PM: Mandy Moore, Luke Wilson and Leann Rimes appear on the stage. KG is stunned to see how tall Mandy Moore is -- with her heels, she's even taller than Luke Wilson. Leann Rimes appears to be standing in a different zip code. They present the award for "Best Country Album" to...THE DIXIE CHICKS. Another non-surprise of which I heartily approve. Natalie relishes the opportunity to tweak country radio and country fans. Martie Maguire notes that the Chicks are "genre-less".
9:48 PM: Reba McEntire introduces Carrie Underwood and Rascal Flatts. They are to perform some kind of tribute to two sons of Texas, Bob Wills [yay!] and...wait for it...Don Henley [Don Henley??? - Ed.]. Carrie performs "Rose Of San Antone" as a tribute to Bob Wills. Rascal Flatts perform "Hotel California" as a tribute to Don Henley. This is about "Texas", which is why "Hotel California" makes SO MUCH FUCKING SENSE. Then Carrie returns to perform "Desperado". Because, yaknow, DON FUCKING HENLEY!!! Then Rascal Flatts & Carrie return to perform "Life In the Fast Lane". Damn, Bob Wills' estate must be pretty fucking pissed off right about now.
Three fucking Don Henley songs. Those are the five most depressing words I've written all nite.
KG: "WTF is Carrie Underwood wearing???"
10:00 PM Natalie Cole and Ornette Coleman announce another lifetime achievement honoree...it's Ornette Coleman!!! Carrie Underwood was still backstage, and she can be seen being hustled across the stage to her seat for the requisite nominees crowd shot. That must mean that Cole & Cole are ready to present the second of "The Big Four". Best New Artist. And the award goes to...CARRIE UNDERWOOD. Another well-deserved non-surprise.
10:08 PM Samuel L. Jackson and Christina Ricci [of course!!! makes so much sense!!!] come on stage. KG reminds me that they are both in the movie "Black Snake Moan" with Justin. Of course. This segment has something to do with Motown and R&B. They introduce Smokey Robinson, who performs "Tracks Of My Tears". KG notes that we really don't want to "take a good look at his face". We both note that the intensive botox treatment makes it unlikely that he could even actually cry. Then Nicole Lionel Richie appears to perform the most awesome song in the history of R-and-fucking-B music, "Hello". Then, "Best New Artist" loser nominee Chris Brown appears and performs his hit "Run It". It's the best performance of the evening, which says more about the other performances than about Chris Brown.
10:17 PM Scratch that. Two words -- Christina. Aguilera. Xtina -- who obvs didn't get the memo -- brought the house down with a performance of "It's A Man World". Best. Performance. Of. The. Night.
10:25 PM: NARAS President Neil Portnow makes a pitch for music programs in schools and for kids. Thankfully, the words "file sharing" do not come up in his presentation.
10:30 PM: The people-we've-lost-this-year tribute ends with a bang-up tribute to James Brown. Was that Jamie Foxx dancing on-stage? Props to the academy for recognizing Ed Bradley as well.
10:38 PM: Rihanna and David Spade [isn't he another new CBS show, "Rules Of Engagement"? -- Ed.] introduce Mary J. [again??? -Ed.] and Ludacris, who perform "Runaway Love" from his record. Mary J. and Luda obvs got the memo -- keep it boring.
10:42 PM: James Blunt appears to perform "You're Beautiful", to let the three people who didn't hear this song this year know just how much he sucks. Strangely, Mary J. is nowhere to be seen.
10:52 PM: Jennifer Hudson announces Robyn Troup as the winner of the "My Grammy Moment" contest, which was some kind of lame reality-TV contest promising the chance to perform with JT. JT and Robyn then perform a medley of "Ain't No Sunshine" and "My Love". Robyn looks very nervous but acquits herself well. T.I. joins them for the performance of "My Love".
11:00 PM: Quentin Tarrantino and Tony Bennett award the third of "The Big Four", the "Record Of The Year" award. I've already said that if "Crazy" doesn't win this award, I'll have to give this up, because I obviously have no idea what I'm talking about. And the winner is...THE DIXIE CHICKS?!?!?!?!? The first big upset of the night. "Not Ready To Make Nice" is a great record, but it was not the ROTY. Sorry. Nevertheless, if any song other than "Crazy" is to win this award, it should be "Not Ready To Make Nice".
11:05 PM: THEY STILL HAVE TWO MORE AWARDS TO GIVE OUT??? AND ANOTHER PERFORMANCE??? DEAR GOD, WHEN WILL THIS SNOOZEFEST END???
11:08 PM: Chris Rock makes a "dick in a box" joke -- foreshadowing?? -- while introducing the Red Hot Chili Peppers. The RHCP then perform "Dani California" in the same "yeah, we got the memo" snooze-inducing manner as practically every other performance of the nite [but see: Xtina].
11:16 PM: AL FUCKING GORE and Queen Latifah present the award for "Best Rock Album". Why is this minor award still on the table? My hope -- the academy already scheduled the RHCP and then realized they would not win the AOTY award, and wanted to give them an award after they performed. Does this mean JT has a shot to win AOTY??? Stay tuned.
11:23 PM: Scarlett Johansson and Don Henley present the last of "The Big Four" -- "Album Of The Year". KG says, "I guess we know who was Justin's date to the Grammy's." I blogged previously that I hoped that the weird timing of the presentation of the "Best Rock Album" award indicated that the academy would give this award to JT. KG: "Wouldn't that be interesting to see ScarJo present the award to JT?" Yes, it would. And the winner is...THE DIXIE CHICKS?!?!?!? SHUT UP THE FUCK!!! The second big upset of the night. Natalie makes the best funny of the nite, in her 4th trip to the stage: "I'm ready to make nice".
Major props to The Dixie Chicks!!! Most people predicted ahead of time that it would be Mary J.'s nite, and for the first hour-and-a-half, it sure looked that way. But it was The Dixie Chicks who were the big winners tonite.
I'll have more post-mortem on the 49th Annual Grammys later.
ciaobaby
[pictures courtesy grammy.com, except Fergie Ferg (IDontLikeYouInThatWay)]
