This Week In Tonight In American Idol [1 May 2007]

7:55 PM: Top 5 "Top 5 + 1 Week" is here. Tonite's mentor is...wait for it...JON FUCKING BON FUCKING JOVI [wait, that's not awesome, and it most certainly does not deserve two "FUCKING" 's -- Ed.].

Unless you've been sleeping under a rock for the last week, you know that AI did not eliminate anyone last week. Instead, last week's votes will be added to this week's votes -- voting will, once again, be extended to try to "equalize" things -- and this week 2 Idols will be eliminated.

*****

On a personal note -- I won't be around to live blog tomorrow's "performance" show. If anyone wants to volunteer to take over for me, I'm accepting offers.

[crickets...]

Seriously, maybe some of my readers who occasionally comment...or maybe some of my lurking readers who have recent experience "live blogging" American Idol might be interested in helping out???

[crickets...]

8:00 PM: There's Antonella Barba in the audience. There's a "Slippery When Wet" joke in here somewhere, but I'm too lazy to find it.

Ryan tells us that last week's telethon raised "almost" 70 million bux. Awesome.

Why is Ryan rocking a 3-day growth???

8:03 PM: First up tonite is Phil Stacey. Phil is performing "Blaze Of Glory." OMG, this could be a craptacular trainwreck.

Phil is not wearing a hat this week.

Okay, that wasn't terrible, it was just Phil. I've heard similar renditions of this song many times by drunken frat boyz.

Randy: [feels the need to pimp his career again -- 'i actually recorded that song with Jon Bon Jovi -- i played bass on that song'] "...other than 'Country Week', this is your BEST PERFORMANCE EVER ON THE SHOW!!!...you were like Steve Perry on a Bon Jovi song [ohmigaw, pimps his career AGAIN!!!]..."
Paula: "...this is the best opening we've had all season long..."
Simon: "...i thought it was okay [audience boos]...give me 5 seconds, and then you can boo...i didn't hear any authenticity...you were like a bad actor playing a role...if this were an audition for the role of a 'rock singer', i don't think you'd pass the audition, and i don't think you've done enough to last 'til next week..."

8:13 PM: There's Gina Glocksen in the house. Ryan says "it's 'rock week' -- it must be killing you!!!"


[image courtesy MySpace, obvs, via TMZ]

In case you haven't heard, Gina wants her fans to support her boy-toy, Chris Richardson.

8:14 PM: Next up is Jordin Sparks. Jordin is performing "Livin' On A Prayer". Jon cautions that this is a "difficult" song to perform...especially if you're not drunk on Jaeger-bombs.

No, he didn't really add that last part.

I LOVE Jordin's bad-rocker-girl look -- is she REALLY THAT MUCH TALLER than the musicians on stage with her??? -- and her performance is very energetic, but the vocal is only so-so.

Randy: "...this was a very interesting one for me...you definitely are not the rock girl...the chorus was good, but the vocals were rough [Jordin agrees]...that was rough...at least you know..."
Paula: "...i give you credit -- you went for it, knowing it was a little bit out of your range...you're hot -- you're out there..."
Simon: "...okay, let's cue the boos...the look was like something out of 'The Addams Family'...as for the singing, it was out-of-control, verging on shrieking at times...you absolutely, COMPLETELY lost control...it was terrible, to be honest with you..."

Ryan-to-Simon: "Thank you, Hermann Munster!"

Jordin acknowledges it was "her week" to not be on top of her game.

8:23 PM: Next up is LaKisha Jones. LaKisha gets the first Coca-Cola commercial fan question of the nite. Something about what kind of training blah blah blah somethin-somethin blah blah blah.

KiKi has "seen" JBJ "on Oprah, But I've never listened to his music".

Two words: WOW!

KiKi is performing Bon Jovi's "This Ain't A Love Song". JBJ loves KiKi and thinks this is a great choice for her.

JBJ says "I'm not a betting man, but I would bet money she's not going home this week singing this song".

I love KiKi's look this week. It's a very appropriate "rocker-girl" look -- form-fitting-top and tight jeans -- for someone who is NOT a rocker girl.

I may have to disagree with JBJ. KiKi sounds rushed. It took her a while to pick up the beat. I didn't really dig that.

Randy: "...you started out rough, a little pitchy in the beginning...but by the middle of the song, you blew that out of the box..."
Paula: "...that low tone in your voice is your 'money in the pocket'...you gave everybody a little 'somethin-somethin'..."
Simon: "...LaKisha, i actually could kiss you after that..."

KiKi comes over to Simon and kisses him. And gets lipstick on Simon.

Simon: "...you rose to the challenge...i didn't know what the song was, but you absolutely nailed it, and i'm so glad that you are back..."

I'm very confused -- I thought that was not as good as some of KiKi's recent performances, and I thought the judges were trying to get rid of her. But here is Simon pimping her fiercely.

WT[Margo]???

8:34 PM: Next up is Blake Lewis. Blake is performing...wait for it..."You Give Love A Bad Name"...

JBJ is very worried, because apparently Blake plans to "Blake-ify" this song...JBJ: "he has to sell his interpretation of a song that a lot of people love...and don't want it messed with...this is the one to me that is 'rolling the dice'..."

Blake is performing with a drummer on stage.

OMG, there's the beat-boxing.

WTF WAS THAT???

It was very...entertaining...I'll give Blake that -- probably the most electrifying performance of the season...BUT VERY WEIRD...

Randy: "...most original version of a song ever on American Idol...you took a leap of faith, and YOU WON, BABY!"
Paula: "...the biggest leap of faith...this was amazing...this was your nite...Simon's mom was rocking!..."
Simon: "...half the audience will absolutely hate it, and half the audience will love it...you are a very brave man, took a massive risk...this is what will keep you in the competition this week..."

8:42 PM: "This is Ryan Seacrest here with Justin Timberlake". No, ladies -- don't get your panties in a twist -- it's just Chris Richardson.

What was that about??? Hmmm...

"Timberfake" is performing...wait for it...NO, REALLY..."Wanted Dead Or Alive"...the Bon Jovi song that is absolute death for Idols.

The performance is weak. Surely the weakest of the nite.

Randy: "...you did your thing...you made it your own...R&B twists..."
Paula: "...you don't have anything to worry about...this has turned out to be a good nite..."
Simon: "...you did the best you could do with that song tonite...this is not your style of music...whether it's good enough to stay another week, i'm not sure..."

8:51 PM: Closing out the show tonite is Melinda Doolittle. Melinda is performing "Have A Nice Day". Mel is very worried, because she acknowledges that rock is not her style.

Which means she'll nail it, 'course.

I'm not really knocked out by this performance. It's very reminiscent of Jordin's performance -- a great singer who is clearly out of her comfort zone.

As with Jordin, I'm digging Mel's look and enthusiasm, just not her vocal.

Randy: "...i don't know if that was your best performance...a little Tina Turner attitude in there...that was hot, baby..."
Paula: "...how does it feel to be a rock star? you're a rock star!..."
Simon: "...i thought it was like a young tina turner...vocally in a different league from everyone else tonite..."

Simon's comments puzzle me. He didn't seem "knocked out" by the performance, so when he says -- without much enthusiasm -- "different league", is that meant to be a compliment? From the "left hand"???

8:58 PM: George and Laura Bush thank us for our support of Idol Gives Back. Curious that this didn't air last week.

Or maybe not???

9:00 PM: Remember -- 4 hours' of voting tonite. DialIdol's numbers won't be available until the wee hours of the morning here on the East Coast.