7:58 PM: Tonite's the nite we've been waiting for, for over...what, 6 WHOLE WEEKS NOW???
Yes, tonite, American Idol eliminates poverty, malnutrition, disease, and the lack of consumer awareness about the highly-purchasable products of locally-owned small businesses such as AT&T, Coca-Cola, Ford and News Corp.-owned properties such as Fox and MySpace.
[UPDATED THURSDAY PM: Live-blogging a two-hour event is hard. And because I'm not a great typist, I miss things while I'm trying to record my witty ruminations. So I've gone back and reviewed the tape again and filled in some of the things I wanted another chance to see. Plus I caught and fixed some egregious spelling and grammar errors. Read on...]
8:00 PM: There's Ryan. What is this "Idol Gives Back" thing of which he speaks???
8:01 PM: Ryan promises us "the most shocking result in the history of the show". Which must mean that Jordin and Melinda are being replaced on the competition by Sanjaya.
Ryan also tells us that they received over 70 million votes for last nite's Performance Show. Oh, yeah -- and Fox is still only kicking in $5 mil. We, are suckers.
Wow, so if you leave the "phone lines" open long enough, lots of robo-vote votes will come in? For realz???
8:02 PM: Ryan introduces his secret-not-well-kept co-host, Ellen DeGeneres. Ellen is the emcee over at the other location tonite.
Ellen asks if the "shocking result" is that she has been brought here just to be sent home.
8:04 PM: Our first musical performance. Earth, Wind & Fire.
8:05 PM: EW&F look to be performing a medley of hits: "Boogie Wonderland", "Shining Star", "September". Did I miss anything?
And when did the singer from "Living Colour" join EW&F???
True story -- down the street from the house where I grew up was a family that was a brother or sister of one the EW&F folks. Seriously.
8:08 PM: We go to film of Randy returning to his home state of Louisiana. Randy's piece focuses on how folks down there are still dealing with the devastation from Hurricane Katrina.
8:11 PM: The first Sanjaya sighting of the nite. He's there, probably wishing he had been on stage the nite before.
8:12 PM: We cut to a segment with the Idols working with Quincy Jones, who talks about his work over 22 years ago [yes, it's been that long -- Ed.] with "U.S.A. For Africa" on "We Are The World".
8:13 PM: The Idols perform a group sonq, with Quincy Jones conducting the Idol orchestra. Sorry, but I don't know this song. Oh, wait -- this is one of the new songs that will be available on iTunes tomorrow [??? -- Ed.] [UPDATED: The song is Qunicy's new tune, "Time To Care", and the Idols' rendition is in fact available at the iTMS -- Ed.]
8:15 PM: Some actor I don't quite recognize -- surely a Fox-tacular actor from some show I don't watch [it's Eric McCormack (?) from "Will & Grace" -- Ed.] -- appears in a segment before the break to urge us to call and donate. And he can't help but get in a dig at all the Fanjayas out there. SNAP!
8:16 PM: I don't usually pimp commercials, but I'm lovin' this new Cingular [AT&T] campaign with the Mom who is cross with her family for running up the cell bills, etc. The newest commercial with the daughter who speaks in SMS-speak is LOLZ!!!
The actress who plays the "Mom" in this campaign is Orlagh Cassidy, who plays the character of "Doris Wolfe" on the CBS soaper Guiding Light. Don't ask me how I know that.
8:18 PM: There's David Schwimmer in a taped appeal. AND THERE'S SANJAYA AGAIN!
8:19 PM: Ben Stiller appears in a taped segment. His jokes are as flat as Phil Stacey's hair.
Thank you!!! I'll be here all week!!!
8:22 PM: Here's more of Ryan and Simon's time in Africa. They introduce us to two children who live alone in a one-room house because their parents have died. The kids have to take care of each other and themselves.
Here are Ryan and Simon together on stage talking about how life-changing that experience was.
Oh gaw, there's Ben Stiller again. This "joke" about him "singing until we hit our goal" gets less funny with each segment.
8:25 PM: OMG!!! There's Ryan's ex-GF, Teri Hatcher!!! Remember that pap shot of them kissing???
In case you've forgotten about all that:
[image courtesy Defamer]
Obviously, these celebrity bumpers will appear all nite long.
8:30 PM: We're 25% of the way through this telethon, and Ryan realizes they need to hold our attention, ya know, with a little bit of the Idols. Ryan tells us he will not be doing any "bottom 3" or any of that nonsense tonite.
Awwww, isn't that cute -- Ryan thinks we will believe that the producers would reveal the eliminated Idol a quarter of the way through.
Melinda Doolittle...SAFE!
WOW! Didn't see THAT coming!!!
8:31 PM: Paula goes to the Boys & Girls Club. She tells everyone there that they look beautiful tonite [kidding -- Ed.].
8:34 PM: Ellen makes her first appearance in 30 minutes. What, Fox couldn't afford her for two whole hours??? Wow, is $5 mil really that much to Rupert???
Ellen introduce Simon's "boy band", Il Divo. They perform "Somewhere". It's very nice, if you're into that kinda music.
8:37 PM: Dr. Phil takes us out to the break with another appeal for donations.
8:40 PM: House star Hugh Laurie in a "please give" bumper.
8:41 PM: Ryan promises a "chance" for an audience member to come up on stage and perform. As the camera pans the audience and finds Jack Black, Ryan pretends to randomly "draw" a seat number. Wonder who that will be...OMG! IT'S JACK BLACK'S SEAT!!!
Jack excitedly jumps on stage and starts singing Seal's "Kiss From A Rose". It's actually not that bad.
The camera pans to show Jack's "Tenacious D" partner, Kyle Gass. Kyle is holding a rose -- GET IT!!! -- like a smitten little girl.
The judges "interrupt" Jack's performance to "judge" him:
Randy: "...yo, dawg...what are you doing?...what's going on up there?..."
Paula: "...the school of rock called. they want their diploma back...you're crappy..."
Simon: "...you were better than sanjaya..."
Sanjaya in the audience is busting a gut.
Jack tells the judges that Seal would love his performance. Randy tells Jack that Seal is in the front row, right next to Randy. They ask Seal what he thought.
Seal sits, scowls, and is speechless. Then Seal says, "i thought that was the best rendition of "kiss From A Rose" ever...
8:45 PM: More "random" results...
Blake Lewis...SAFE!
8:46 PM: Ryan tells us that AI sent AI5-winner AI4-winner [ugh... -- Ed.] [do we really need to write that? -- Ed.] Carrie Underwood to Africa to use starving African children as a prop in the music video that you can buy tomorrow on iTunes. My sources tell me there are no truth to the rumors that Carrie, on-set, was overheard to state, "Gosh, there sure are lots of African-Americans here in Africa".
[Rob, did you really have to go there??? -- Ed.]
Carrie's video is a performance of The Pretenders' "I'll Stand By You". It's actually very nice. I might even buy it, ya know, for the kids.
8:53 PM: Ellen returns for her contractually-capped one-appearance-every-30-minutes from "the other venue". Ellen makes a predictable "Sanjaya has hair" joke and introduces Rascal Flatts, who perform "My Wish". It's also very nice.
I'm noticing that all of the real musical performances are over at the Ellen theatre. I'm wondering why that is. My rank and baseless speculation is that the folks at the Ellen theatre had to buy tickets donate to the telethon to get in, and Idol needed to give them something to see as they sat around for two hours waiting for the occasional performance.
8:56 PM: Ryan introduces us to Tom "MySpace Tom" Anderson, the alleged "founder" of MySpace. Funny that the "public face" of the News Corp.-owned MySpace would be in the house tonite.
8:58 PM: Paula takes us to Appalachia to talk about poverty here at home. After the nice segment, Ryan calls Paula "short". Paula responds that she's "vertically challenged". Funny -- I thought I heard Teri Hatcher say that about Ryan a few months ago.
[UPDATED: On my further review, I've noticed for the first time this evening that Paula is rockin' the girls tonite. Just sayin'.]
9:03 PM: We return with tonite's Ford commercial video, which has the Idols singing Queen's "Crazy Little Thing Called Love". This is followed by a "video" featuring a whole bunch of the stars goofing around to the music of The Bee Gees' "Stayin' Alive". [in the Ford commercial, the Idols go to a drive-in; the "Stayin' Alive" video is what is "playing" at the drive-in -- Ed.]
[we'll have to update later with the roster here -- it's quite extensive, and we don;t have good typists -- Ed.]
[UPDATED: Ryan told us earlier in the show that there are 36 celebrities in this video. I'll take that as a good reason not to unpack this mess of an "entertaining segment".]
Am I the only one who thinks this was not the best choice of song for tonite? An uptempo song about getting your cool on in the CPW [or whatever it was the cool kidz were saying 30 FUCKING YEARS AGO WHILST HIGH ON COCAINE AND DANCING TO THE BEE GEES], " 'Stayin' Alive' "???
9:08 PM: Oh, look -- the Idols are all wearing John Travolta "white suits". Phil is wearing a hat.
More of the results that will "SHOCK!" us.
Phil Stacey...SAFE!
9:10 PM: More about Ryan and Simon in Africa.
This is probably the saddest of all of the segments we've seen tonite. This segment focuses on AIDS orphans and shows a young woman Ryan and Simon met only a couple of days earlier being taken to the hospital, where she died two days later.
The background music for this segment is Snow Patrol's "Chasing Cars". I love this song -- it was one of my favorites from '06. Shut up. Even though this beautiful love song doesn't match the content of the segment, the producers have edited it in just the right places to emphasize the "let's escape the world" sentiments.
9:11 PM: Ellen returns -- hey, she's early!!! -- and challenges her rich Hollywood-friend-types to match her $100K contribution.
Okay, this is officially the best thing that has happened on this show tonite.
Also, Ellen is visibly choked up by the previous segment about AIDS orphans.
9:12 PM: Ellen introduces Josh Groban. Josh is singing "You Raise Me Up."
Meh.
9:19 PM: Fergie's Candies commercial plays again. Why do I think this was a "trade" that also involved Fergie "performing" last week???
9:21 PM: Ryan takes us back to Africa to talk about malaria. First, we see snippets of several celebrities -- including CHRIS DAUGHTRY -- telling us, oddly, how many funerals they've been to in their lives. Like most people you and I know, the numbers are "small" -- 3, 4, etc. The first African we see says he has been to 280 funerals. Can we even imagine that???
9:23 PM: Ellen again??? Wow, that contract was "back-loaded".
Ellen gives us another cool challenge. Ellen tells the kids at home to offer to pledge $1 if their parents will "match" it with $9 more.
Wow, Ellen is good.
Ellen introduces KELLY FUCKING CLARKSON, who is performing with JEFF FUCKING BECK!!!
[who is Jeff Beck? -- Ed. 1]
[oh, you had to go there -- Ed. 2]
[yeah, I did -- Ed. 1]
Kelly and Jeff are performing Patty Griffin's "Up To The Mountain".
This is the best performance of the nite, so far.
And need I tell you that Kelly Clarkson is -- once again -- nowhere near the "Idol" stage, and Ryan, and Simon, and...???
9:30 PM: Ben Stiller is back. Still not funny.
9:31 PM: An animated "Simpsons" segment wherein Simon appears as an auditioner. The judges are: Marge [Randy], Lisa [Paula], and Homer [Simon]. Bart is the host [Ryan]. I need to review this to give a better report about the video, but it was humorous in that "Simpsons" way, if you still like their humor.
UPDATED: Here is the "transcript" of the Simon & The Simpsons video. I'll post the vid itself separately:
Simon [as contestant in the audition rounds]: "I must admit. I'm a little nervous. I've never been comfortable with the idea of judging someone's singing. I mean, we're all so beautiful in our own way."
Homer [as "Simon"]: "C'mon, c'mon, hurry it up. We've got 10,000 other losers to listen to."
Marge [as "Randy"]: "Yeah, let's go dawg" [Marge makes exaggerated "hand gestures"].
Simon: [Simon "performs" a terrible rendition of The Pussycat Dolls' "Don't Cha".]
Lisa [as "Paula" waves her arms like she's lovin' it.]
Homer: "Okay, okay, stop right there. First of all, lose the accent, Mary Poppins. this is 'AMERICAN Idol'. Secondly, I'm sorry -- you are not 23."
Marge: "You lied to us dawg."
Lisa: "Where's a dog? I like dogs! WOOOOOO!"
Simon: "Okay, please, please, can I just put on my taps and try once more."
Homer: "Don't worry -- you're going to Hollywood. It's right through this door. [Homer pulls out a remote control and presses a button. A trap door opens and Simon falls through. The roars of lions are heard.]
Bart [as "Ryan"]: [walks in and laughs] "The lions haven't eaten this well since Dunkleman."
9:33 PM: More of the "shocking" results.
LaKisha Jones...SAFE!
What would be the odds that we've gone through -- RANDOMLY!!! -- 4 of the 6 contestants in the first 90 minutes of this telethon, and we still haven't found out who's going home.
In case you're scoring at home -- or even if you're all by yourself -- that leaves Chris and Jordin.
Eliminating Jordin now would be a "shock". Could it happen???
9:35 PM: Here's the "biggest duet in music history" or however they were hyping it. It's a definitely-CGI Elvis Presley singing with a possibly-CGI Celine Dion. They are performing Elvis' "If I Can Dream".
This song -- and the digital performance -- is from Elvis' best period -- his late 60's revival return to his Memphis-Nashville roots.
That sounded pretty good, if a little cheese-tacular.
9:38 PM: OMG! Ryan tells us we can "own" that "piece of musical history". PUHL-EEEEEEZE!!!!
[UPDATED: Ryan also makes a strange comment to an audience member. We'll blog about that tomorrow.]
9:38 PM: Madonna has decided to give up her faux-English "accent" in order to be faux-Irish. Maybe Bono really was the "mentor" tonite???
9:43 PM: My sister calls me. She predicts the "shocking" result tonite is that "no one" will be eliminated. We'll see.
9:44 PM: Back from the break. OMG, we have another one of these stupid "Idol Challenge" things?:
Q: Who sang the final song in last year's American Idol finale?
a) Taylor Hicks
b) Katharine McPhee
c) Elliot Yamin
[we'll help you out -- who won??? -- Ed.]
9:45 PM: There seems to be some odd technical difficulty. Something in the main studio is not ready. We kick it out to Ellen across town.
I guess Ellen really is live, eh?
9:46 PM: Ellen introduces Annie Lennox.
Annie is performing Simon & Garfunkel's "Bridge Over Troubled Waters", which my sister said someone should have performed last nite. Maybe it was not performed last nite because Annie put the kibosh on that???
9:55 PM: Our "final" results. Chris and Jordin are are on the bubble.
Over 70 million votes last nite.
Chris Richardson...SAFE!!!
Ryan: "I told you this was going to be shocking. Ladies and gentlemen, it is VERY shocking -- believe me...Jordin...you are also safe!"
Ryan: "...how could we let anybody go on a charity nite?..."
Here's the twist -- this week's votes will be combined with next week's votes, and next week TWO Idols will be sent home.
9:57 PM: Hey Bono finally decides to drop in!
9:59 PM: The Idols sing "American Prayer", a song Bono wrote with Dave Stewart 20 years ago. Jordin has the opening segment of the song. Which is really mean, because she's still too choked up to sing -- she legitimately thought she was going home just moments earlier.
10:02 PM: And there it is. everyone's "safe" tonite. There's more to come -- promise.
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