Live-Blogging The 2007 Oscars: The During

[Our wonderful hosts, KG and AC.]

[This entry will be updated after the Oscars for spelling, grammar, etc., missing information, and with photos, links, etc. I will not make note of these updates.

If you care about such things, I'm very sorry for you.

All non-party images courtesy oscar.com except as noted.]

7:55 PM: Here I am at my friends' [KG & AC] place. Get ready for a trainwreck.

Strangely, on a Sunday, I am drinking champagne. Good champage. Indeed -- the best champagne I have had in...weeks!

There is a lot of "oohing" and "aahing". But it has nothing to do with the Red Carpet. I field a lot of questions about "what is live-blogging???"

8:00 PM: We begin the telecast with that crappy animation starring Host Ellen Degeneres and those damn Penguins. Feh.

8:0-whatever PM: The stars are still arriving??? When is this snoozefest ceremony going to begin???

8:10 PM: KG explains the rules of our Oscar contest. Pick all the categories. Grade someone else's ballots [because we can't be trusted to grade our own]. Winner takes 80% of the "entrance fee". 20% of the entrance fee goes toward a trivia contest. I will lose both contests. Even though I am ON THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW.

8:0-whatever PM: Still on the damn red carpet!!! Party Guest HK gives us the bad news that the actual awards ceremony won't begin until 8:30. AWESOME!!!

8:25 PM: No one here is paying attention. We don't care what Helen Mirren is wearing. We are all eating and drinking.

8:30 PM: The telecast finally begins. Some sort of montage of nominees and former winners.

8:35 PM: We introduce "the nominees". Are they going to be on stage? No. They just stand up in the audience. There's Leo in the front row.

8:36 PM: Ellen Degeneres is this year's host. I like Ellen. And I think her low-key dry wit is perfect for the Oscars.

8:39 PM: Ellen makes a joke about all the "pressure" the nominees must be feeling. It's very funny but it goes on waaaaaaaaaaay too long.

8:40 PM: Ellen finally makes a funny: "It's not that we don't like acceptance speeches. It's that we don't like boring acceptance speeches."

8: 42 PM: Ellen makes another good funny -- comparing and contrasting Jennifer Hudson and Al Gore. Also, something about the difference between American Idol and the presidential election. Wait -- is there any difference???

8:45 PM: The first Oscar. Wait -- it's not "Best Supporting Actress"??? No, Oscar decided this year that the best way to combat declining ratings throughout the evening was to MOVE ALL THE AWARDS THAT ANYONE CARES ABOUT TO THE END OF THE SHOW.

[Which just means that a lot of people won't tune in until late. Which should even out the ratings a bit, as those late-tuner-inners balance out the I'm-going-to-bed-because-I-can't-watch-this-snoozefest-anymorers.]

So, Nicole Kidman & Daniel Craig present the award for "Art Direction".

It's going to be a long nite.

The winner: Pan's Labyrinth.

8:48 PM: Maggie Gylenhaal appears to talk about something about sound technical something or other. One of those "pre-ceremony" awards.

8:52 PM: Will Ferrell, Jack Black, and John C. Reilly perform a very funny musical number about how Oscar doesn't like funny movies. It's all very funny -- everyone at the party and in the auditorium laughs.

I guess it's funny because it's true.



8:57 PM: Completely non-ironically, these three stick around to present the award for..."Makeup".

Seriously.

The winner: Pan's Labyrinth.

8:59 PM: Rob: "IT'S A SWEEP FOR PAN'S LABYRINTH!!!"

9:00 PM: Abigail Breslyn [Little Miss Sunshine herself] and Jaden Smith [Will Smith's kid, who plays...wait for it...Will Smith's kid in The Pursuit Of Happyness] bound onto the stage to present the nominees for...wait for it..."Animated Short".

GET IT??? "ANIMATED SHORT"???

The winner: The Danish Poet.



9:03 PM: The kids stick around for "Live Action Short".

GET IT??? KIDS??? "SHORT"???

The winner: West Bank Story.

9:12 PM: Some "group" of people called "Elements & Motion" "perform". Apparently, they are "famous" for making sound effects with their voices. Rob: "who are these people"? Party Guest: "Frankly, if you've never heard of 'Elements & Motion', you've lost all credibility as a blogger".

We all laugh. Because it's funny.

[And you can trust me when I tell you it's funny, because I'm a blogger. Seriously.]

9:14 PM: Steve Carrell and Greg Kinnear appear to present the award for...wait for it..."Sound Editing". They make jokes about themselves and the importance of sound editing.

It's about as funny to watch as it to read...or blog.

The winner: Letters From Iwo Jima.

9:18 PM: JESSICA BIEL and some guy whose name is actually "who cares?" appear to present the award for "Sound Mixing". [Actually, his name is "James McAvoy". But I was too distracted to hear that.]



[Regular readers know that DHMBIB <3's Jessica Biel.]

The winner: also is actually named "who cares?" -- JESSICA BIEL is presenting the award.



[Jess on the Red Carpet. The party consensus was that it was a "nice" dress and she looked very "beautiful". However, there was some dissent. I think from the ScarJo fans in the house.

Image courtesy jessicabielcentral.com. Seriously. And I'm not ashamed to admit it.]

Sorry. The winner: Dreamgirls.

[I am passing on the obvious opportunity to make a "Jess is my dreamgirl" joke. Thank me for it at your leisure.]

9:21 PM: Rachel Weisz appears to present the first "big one" -- "Supporting Actor".

Of course, Eddie Murphy will win.

The winner: Alan Arkin.

Is this the first "upset" of the evening? Was it the fatsuit???

9:28 PM: WTF was that??? An interpretive dance something. Time for a break.

9:31 PM: James Taylor and Randy Newman perform "Our Town" from Cars, the first of the "Original Song" nominees. We give the song a collective "thumbs down".

9:34 PM: Melissa Ethridge performs another nominated song, "I Need To Wake Up" from An Inconvenient truth. We all laugh at the "karaoke" going on behind her.

9:36 PM: Star alert!!! AL FUCKING GORE and LEO FUCKING DICAPRIO come on stage. Leo asks Al if he wants to announce anything. Al says, "Thanks, Leo, but I'm here for the movies". Leo then proceeds to kiss Al's ass in a big green way. Then something about the Oscars being green. No one here knows what that means.



[Classic style is always classy.]

Then Leo asks Al if he's sure there isn't something else he wants to say. Al starts into a very earnest speech, noting the historic nature of the occasion, the large audience, etc., and then "My fellow Americans..." And then the orchestra plays him off.

This gets the biggest laugh of the night.

Al and Leo exit stage right, congratulating each other on their funny.

9:41 PM: In honor of the Oscars being "green", Ellen "recycles" some jokes. They are supposed to be "old" jokes. They are not funny.

9:42 PM Cameron Diaz appears to present the award for "Animated Feature". [Get it??? She was the voice of Princess Fiona in the Shrek movies???] The "nominees" are shown in animated form in the audience. That is funny.

The winner: Happy Feet.



[The consensus of the group on this dress? Do I need to tell you???]

9:44 PM: KG breaks something in the kitchen. We all miss the Penguins' acceptance speech. THANKS KG!!!

KG's mishap forces her to change dresses. But fortunately for DHMBIB readers, she changed back after her dress dried out. Pictures to follow.

9:49 PM: Helen Mirren and Tom Hanks appear to present the award for "Adapted Screenplay".

It's awesome to hear Helen Mirren -- or anyone on the Oscar stage -- say these words: "Borat: Cultural Learnings Of America For Make Benefit Glorious Nation Of Kazakhstan".

The winner: The Departed.

Oscar obviously does not know how to goose ratings.

9:55 PM: Chris Connelly takes us out to commercial with some sort of weird "horse-racey" thing.

Yeah, Oscar. That's what you need to do.

10:00 PM: Ellen walks out on stage with one of those front baby carriers holding an Oscar. The joke is not very funny.

10:01 PM: Anne Hathaway and Emily Blunt come out and do some unfunny shtick that is supposed to remind everyone of The Devil Wears Prada. But they do make a joke about Meryl Streep's character, and the camera cuts to MS, who has an unhappy look on her face. Perfect acting. It brings down the house [the Kodak] and the house [the KG].

AH & EB present the award for "Costume Design".

The winner: Marie Antoinette.



[Apparently, Anne Hathaway was in the kitchen with KG during "the mishap" and didn't have time to change before her presentation. We aren't digging whatever was the idea behind this "costume design".]

10:05 PM: Tom Cruise comes out to present the "Jean Hersholt Humantarian Humanitarian Award" to Sherry Lansing. There is some very "inside-baseball" stuff associated with this, but I don't have the time or the inclination to do anything other than link to it. Something to do with "everyone hates Sumner Redstone".

We mute the TV for the trivia contest. I am ineligible for this because, you know, I'm on the googles...

10:10 PM: Ellen wanders in to the audience and finds Clint Eastwood. She sits in his lap and gives Steven Spielberg -- two seats over -- a camera and asks him to take their picture. Even without sound, it's humorous.

UPDATE: BREAKING: Ask A Muted TV No Questions And It Will Tell You No Lies...

DHMBIB operative Sttaci sends in this report:

" It's actually too bad you missed the Ellen & Clint Eastwood part, one of the funniest...she actually didn't sit in his lap. He asked her if she had a script for him like she did for Martin, to which she replied that she didn't and she actually was hoping to get a picture for her MySpace page and asked Spielberg to do it to make the comment cooler. She then made him take three pictures until she liked it...problem with parties, you never know if you'll miss the funny stuff...ah well. "

[Unfortunately, the "joke" falls a little flat in the Kodak because no one there knows what "MySpace" is -- Ed.]

10:12 PM: Gwyneth Paltrow appears to present the award for "Cinematography".

The winner: Pan's Labyrinth.

Some people think Gwyneth Paltrow was among the "worst dressed" of the evening. I didn't think it was that bad. She's been worse. What do you think?



[Image courtesy yahoo.com.]

10:21 PM: Naomi Watts and Hugh Jackman [sorry!] Robert Downey Jr. present the award for "Visual Effects".

The winner: Pirates Of The Carribean: Dead Man's Chest.

10:23 PM: Rob blogs: "This party is better than this show." [How very meta -- Ed.]

10:25 PM: Catherine Deneuve and some other guy appear to present a "tribute" to "foreign language films". It's very long and boring. Everyone here thinks it's waaaaaaaaaay too long.

10:30 PM: Clive Owen and Cate Blanchett appear to present the award for "Foreign Language Film".

GET IT??? THEY'RE BOTH "FOREIGN"!!!

Oscar, you are splitting my sides!!!

The winner: The Lives Of Others.

10:31 PM: Heading to the commercial break, the weird interpretive dance people -- with the assistance of Ellen -- give a shout-out to Snakes On A Plane. I inquire and find that I am one of only three people at the party [out of 18 or so] who actually saw SOAP. One Party Guest suggests that the three of us should have our Oscar-Party passes revoked for this terrible transgression.

10:33 PM: George Clooney appears and makes a joke about "drinking backstage with Jack Nicholson and Al Gore. Apparently, he's not running for President."

GC presents the award for "Supporting Actress". FINALLY!

The winner: Jennifer Hudson.

10:36 PM: Jennifer Hudson gives the teariest acceptance speech of the nite.



[And I am telling you I'm not going...to stop crying anytime soon.

Obvious joke. Sorry.

Okay, I have to call a little "bullshit" on this whole "second chance at stardom" meme that has developed around Jennifer Hudson. Jennifer Hudson was one of three head-and-shoulders-above-everyone-else singers on AI3. But there can only be one "winner" of AI. So everyone else has to be "voted off". One of those "everyone elses" was Jennifer Hudson -- and the "winner" was at least her equal. "Dreamgirls" put Jennifer Hudson in front of people who *don't* watch American Idol. People who do watch American Idol already knew she was a star. End of rant.]

10:42 PM : Who are these presenters??? [UPDATE: We are reliably informed waaay after-the-fact that they were Gael Garcia Bernal and Eva Green -- Ed.] Anyway, they present the award for "Documentary Short".

The winner: The Blood Of Yingzhou District.

Yawn.

10:45 PM: JERRY SEINFELD??? Of course, that makes SO MUCH FUCKING SENSE!!!

Jerry makes a few good funnies. He calls the nominated documentaries "very depressing".

JS presents the award for "Documentary Feature".

The winner: An Inconvenient Truth.

[Everyone knew this was going to happen. I won't even bother with a "BREAKING" joke.]

KG, two weeks ago: "It's nothing more than a glorified PowerPoint presentation!!!"

Al Gore joins Davis Guggenheim et al. on stage. "We have everything we need to solve the global climate crisis, except for the will to act, which is a renewable resource."

Best line of the nite.



10:50 PM: Clint Eastwood appears to introduce a mongtage about some Italian Dude's scoring [Whoa!!! -- Ed.]. Everyone is bored.

[I have learned that Italian Dude's real name is Ennio Morricone. But I prefer "Italian Dude", so I'm sticking with that -- Ed.]

10:56 PM: Celine Dion sings one of said Italian Dude's songs. No one knows what it is.

11:00 PM: Said Italian Dude wins some sort of "lifetime achievement" award. His acceptance speech is in Italian. Clint Eastwood "translates" for him. He says "thanks".

11:04 PM: This speech is still going on???

11:05 PM: The modified GM-robot-that-commits-suicide ad runs. The modified ad is more PC but now makes no sense.

11:07 PM: Penelope Cruz and Hugh Jackman appear to present the award for "Original Score". They make a joke about one of the nominees coming "all the way from Baltimore". See, Italian Dude above.

The winner: Babel.

11:10 PM: Ellen introduces the president of the Academy [AMPAS], Sid Ganis. He does his "what is AMPAS?" speech in a taped piece that is sped up and slightly chipmunked-voice. This is a joke about how the ceremony is dragging. It is chuckle-inducing.

11:11 PM: Kirsten Dunst and Tobey Maguire appear to shill for the next Spider Man film present the award for "Original Screenplay".

The winner: Little Miss Sunshine.

11:17 PM: Chris Connelly again. This breathless reporting thing is really unnecessary.

11:20 PM: Oscar-caliber actress [see: Gigli...Actually, better advice: don't see Gigli] JENNIFER FUCKING LOPEZ appears to introduce the Dreamgirls, who perform their three nominees for "original song".

This is definitely the highlight of the evening.

Oscar needs more of the dynamism of someone like Beyonce [and Jennifer Hudson as well]. Beyonce's take on "Listen" has given me goose bumps.

Even Ellen is applauding.

Here are JH and B doing "Love You I Do" and "Listen". There is a lively debate on the internets about which diva got the best of this duel. What do you think?



[AMPAS should change its bylaws to require that at least one picture every year feature a song performed by Beyonce or Jennifer Hudson. Or possibly Shakira. And that said song will be nominated in the "Original Song" category. And that said singer will be required to perform it at the ceremony. That would help TREMENDOUSLY -- Ed.]

11:28 PM: Ellen: "I'd hate to have to follow that. Ladies and gentleman, here are Queen Latifah and John Travolta." John Travolta: "It's nice to see a full-figured woman on the screen singing her heart out." Queen Latifah? Jennifer Hudson? No. "But enough about me".

It's a great line. Scientology has given John Travolta the strength to make fun of himself and all those pesky rumors.

QL & JT present the award for "Original Song".

The winner: "I Need To Wake Up" [Melissa Ethridge] from An Inconvenient Truth.

I'm doing poorly in the contest [of course]. But I got this one right. I always get this one right. Go figure.

Fuck you, Randy Newman!!!

11:35 PM: Will Smith appears to introduce another montagezzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

11:42 PM: Kate Winslet appears to present the award for "Editing".

The winner: The Departed.

Okay. It's a lock. Martin Scorsese will finally win his damn Oscar and we can all stop talking about this.

11:48 PM: Jody Foster presents the "people-who-died-this-year" montage.

11:50 PM: BREAKING: OSCARS TO RUN OVER ALLOTED TIME SLOT

11:52 PM: Ellen jokes about the show running latezzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

BREAKING: OSCAR HOST READS AREA BLOG, CRIBS JOKE ABOUT OSCARS RUNNING OVER TIME.

11:53 PM: One of Oscar's finest traditions -- the winners of last year's Acting awards present this year's awards in the opposite sex category. Philip Seymour Hoffman appears to present the award for "Best Actress". Everyone notes that PSH's hair looks like he's just rolled out of bed. Or out of the gutter. Or maybe both, if he sleeps in the gutter.

The winner: Julianna Margulies in Snakes On A Plane.

No, seriously, the winner: Helen Mirren.

No surprise there.

11:57 PM: Helen Mirren introduces the audience to "the Queen". It's the Oscar statuette. Har har.



12:02 AM: Here's Reese Witherspoon. I think Reese is the first person to appear tonite that everyone at the party universally loves. This must be the "Best Actor" category.

The winner: Forest Whitaker. Again with the no-surprise thing.

Maybe Oscar could juice things up by giving us a few out-of-left-field surprises. Like: Best Actor - Sacha Baron Cohen.

12:07 AM: Francis Ford Coppola, George Lucas, and Steven Spielberg appear to present the award for "Best Director". Gee, I wonder why these three guys would be chosen for this???

The winner: BREAKING: IN UPSET ABSOLUTELY NO ONE PREDICTED, MARTIN SCORSESE WINS FIRST OSCAR

12:13 AM: Diane Keaton and "Bald" Jack Nicholson present the award for "Best Picture". The consensus of the party is that Diane Keaton's dress is not "Oscar-worthy".

The winner: The Departed.

KG is seriously not happy -- she really wanted Babel to win.

12:17 AM: Ellen bids us all good nite.

Damn, those last four awards blew through fast. Did I say "damn"? Sorry, I meant "THANK GOD"!!!

Ellen Degeneres did a very nice job. This is one of the hardest gigs in showbiz, and she acquitted herself well. Her brand of comedy is funny enough for most viewers, but at the same time inoffensive to them and to the too-big-for-their-britches folks in the Kodak [see: Jon Stewart].



[KG, still looking red-carpet-tacular at the end of the night. Me, well, not so much.]

[Thank you for reading this far. Please feel free to leave comments.]