This Week In Tonight In American Idol [16 January 2008]

OOH! A computer crash not only prevented me from liveblogging the start of AI tonite, but because I use my Media Center PC as my "TiVo", I missed at least the first performer. Sorry about that.

I'll be back in a few minutes with more from Dallas.

8:20 PM [real time]: My MCPC keeps track of the "air time" of the programs it records, so I'll be able to associate my posts with "air time", even though it will take me a few minutes to catch up to "real time".

So, I guess you could say I'll be "tape-delay-blogging" for a bit.

8:05 PM: Some woman named Jessica, presumably the first woman named Jessica on tonite's show, is very excited to get the Golden Ticket To Hollywood. I didn't get to see/hear her, so, well, there it is.

8:06 PM: Next up is Paul Stafford. He is singing "Wait For You" by...wait for it...Elliott Yamin.

He is singing it very badly.

But he likes roller coasters! So he gets my vote!

But not the judges' votes.

b-bye

Paul: Simon didn't go down on me like I thought he would, but that's good, 'cuz he goes down on just about everybody.

Uh...

8:14 PM: A commercial for the United States Marine Corps.

IM ON YUR IDOLZ, MISING MY RECRUTING TARGETZ!!1!1

Last year, AI was charging $750K for a 30-second spot.

Your tax dollars at work.

Just sayin'.

8:16 PM: Next up is Beth Maddocks. She is singing "Beautiful Disaster" by...wait for it...Kelly Clarkson.

I'm not feelin' it. And neither are the judges.

Randy makes the painfully obvious "beautiful disaster" joke.

b-bye

8:18 PM: We're treated to a medley of "disaster auditions"...Esteban Deanda...

Simon: It was atrocious

Victoria Metz...

Randy: [shakes head and smiles]

Drucilla Wideman...

Randy: [looks away as if he feels the pain of "irregularity"]

8:18 PM: Next up is Alaina Whitaker. Alaina is singing "Stronger" by Faith Hill. Regular readers of this blog [all three imaginary regular readers -- Ed.] will recall that this is one of my favorite Faith tracks from her best album, Cry.

Wow, that was as good as the rendition performed last year by Baylie Brown [what is it with Texas-and-Oklahoma parents and the way they spell their daughters' names??? -- Ed.]. Baylie was more Faith-esque, while Alaina was more Carrie-Underwood-inspired.

Not surprisingly, the judges wave her through easily.

8:26 PM: Another round of "whaaa???"...Gregory & Mia Tobias...

Judges: [silent]

8:28 PM: Next up is 19-year-old Bruce Dickson. Bruce has never been "intimate" with a woman -- he's never even kissed a woman "on purpose". Bruce even made a "promise" with his father -- complete with a "key" -- that he would remain pure until his wedding day, so his first "kiss" with a woman would be "special", and the "key" would represent the "key" to his heart.

AWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!

Bruce sings "Ain't No Sunshine" by Bill Withers.

It's a nice performance, but not good enough for Hollywood.

8:30 PM: Next up is Pia "Zpia" Easley. Pia is another "backup singer". She sings "My Imagination" by Gladys Knight & The Pips.

She nails it.

And she's through to Hollywood.

8:38 PM: Next up is Brandon Green, who says he wants to be a "role model", "not like Britney Spears or Paris Hilton or some of these people". Brandon sings "Rich Girl" by Hall & Oates.

Simon calls it forgettable. Paula loves him, because she loves everyone. So, once again, Randy gets the tie-break vote, and Brandon is through to Hollywood.

8:43 PM: Next up is Kayla Hatfield, who is singing "Piece Of My Heart" by Janis Joplin [actually, Big Brother & The Holding Company, but who are "they"??? -- Ed.]. Kayla has a mousy speaking voice...

...and a HUGE singing voice...

...but it's not good enough...

...or is it???

It's one of the rare instances where Simon says "yes" and Paula says "no", and Randy breaks the tie in her favor.

Wow, were the Dallas rounds really that bad???

8:51 PM: Time for another "these people really suck" segment...Erick Mauldin...

Charles Markham...

Tristan Clements...who is channeling everything about Clay Aiken except his vocal abilities...

8:52 PM: Now comes the last audition of the first day. Kady Malloy specializes in doing celebrity "singing impressions". Her Britney is scary-on.

Finally, she sings "Unchained Melody" by the Righteous Brothers.

Simon calls it "the best so far" of all the contestants the judges have seen.

She is easily through to Hollywood.

8:55 PM: Ryan tells us that 12 people made it through on Dallas Day 1.

[times approximate from here on out -- Ed.]

9:01 PM: Next up is Douglas Davidson. Douglas idolizes Xtina Aguilera. Anyways, he sings "Livin' On A Prayer" by Billy Joel Bon Jovi.

It's terrible. But the judges give him another chance.

I have no idea what this, and I don't care.

He's terrible -- he's sweating, and talking to himself, he's drinking water.

Then he breaks into "Livin' On A Prayer" again.

Simon: no one in a million years is going to pay to hear you sing.

Please go away.

9:05 PM: Next up is Angela Reilly. Angela is accompanied by her husband Chad. These two are the "Heidi & Spencer" of AI.

Angela sings "Baby Love" by The Supremes. She's spirited but horrible.

The judges give her another chance. She sings "Hit Me With Your Best Shot" by Pat Benatar. She kills that too.

b-bye

9:09 PM: Next up is Kyle Ensley. Kyle is a politician who wants us to "vote for [him]" to be the next American Idol. Kyle sings "Somebody To Love" by Queen, and it's quite good.

Simon loves it, Paula loves him, and Randy calls it "glee club". Paula wants to know if he wants this more than being President. Simon wants to know if he'll turn into Clay Aiken. I guess that means Simon thinks Kyle is gay.

Kyle says things that are maybe close to what Simon and Paula want to her, but Dallas has clearly been hell to them, so he's through to Hollywood.

9:13 PM: Next up is Tammy Tuzinski. Tammy tells the judges she will be singing "The Power Of Love" by Celine Dion, to which their response is "big song". Maybe that scared her, or maybe she's stupid -- nah, she's just stupid -- because Tammy actually sings "If You Asked Me To".

She's terrible.

The judges stop her, and she asks if she can start again. The judges point out that she's singing a different song. They ask her which song she wants to sing, and she says "If You Asked Me To". It's a very awkward moment.

She starts over, and again, it's very painful.

Even Randy calls it "awful".

9:17 PM: Next up is Colton Swon. He sings "Boondocks" by Little Big Town. Wow, are they the go-to "country" artist this season?

He's alright, with a lot of heart and effort.

All of the judges are borderline, but, clearly Dallas has been rough for them, so they let him through.

9:21 PM: Funny or cruel? Ryan introduces a "Texas -- where men are men" segment that highlights several transvestites and effeminate men. None are identified by name.

9:23 PM: Next up is Drew Poppelreiter. Drew sings "Check Yes Or No" by George Strait, and he's practically a voice-ringer for George Strait.

Very right-down-the-middle-but-smooth country crooning.

It's not Simon's thing, but Randy digs it, and Paula's on the verge of agreeing with SIMON, until Simon calls her out, and Drew calls her "ma'am", and she changes her mind. So Drew's through.

[hour 2 is very heavy on the back stories. Dallas musta been REALLY BAD -- Ed.]

9:27 PM: Next up is Kyle Reinneck, who is a camp counselor for K-2 kids. Not that there's anything wrong with that. But he still has creepy eyes.

Kyle sings "Never Again" by...wait for it...KELLY CLARKSON...which means there's no way in hell Clive's letting him get anywhere NEAR the finals.

Kyle strikes me as being Clay-esque, except more intense, and creepier.

Also, he can't sing.

Simon: it was a very disturbing, demonic audition.
Randy and Paula both agree that his "face" was wrong, what with the "guyliner" and the whatnot.

b-bye

9:32 PM: Hey! Does anyone remember Kelly Clarkson??? Wasn't she the one who got kicked off AI a few years ago for posing nude years earlier for a website or something? Anyway, we're back in her hometown, and we're treated to a montage of people who collectively butcher "Since You've Been Gone".

Simon: okay, I now officially hate that song!

9:35 PM: Next up is Nina Shaw. Nina is from Kelly's home town of Burleson, TX, and her appearance leads Randy and Paula to reminisce about how they knew that Kelly "had it" way back when, and how mean-ole poopy-headed Simon "didn't get her".

Nina also is abso-freakin'-lutely gorgeous, in a Rihanna-esque way. Which is to say, in an "abso-freakin'-lutely gorgeous" way.

Nina is singing "Run To You" by Whitney Houston.

Why??? Why do Idol contestants insist on taking on Whitney???

Simon calls it "old-fashioned". Paula calls it "pageant-like". The judges give her "two seconds" (Randy) for one more chance.

Nina goes retro-jazzy. Randy gets the first Amy Winehouse name-drop of the season. He likes it. Simon hates it. But Paula likes it, so she's through.

9:42 PM: The last contestant in Dallas is Ronaldo "Birdman" Lapuz. He's dressed up Liberace-style in a cape and furry hat. He sings a song that appears to be an original composition, "We're Brothers Forever".

The performance is a classic auditions-round trainwreck.

The song's lyrics are simple and repetitive, and Randy and Paula -- clearly happy to be entertained after a brutal Dallas stopover -- join Ronaldo on-stage while Simon just laughs.

Guess what the verdict was?

b-bye, but Thnks Fr Th Mmrs.

The segment seems to go on forever.

Prior to 10:00 PM-ish: Ryan tells us that 24 people made it through to Hollywood from the Dallas auditions.

Tune in tomorrow for the San Diego auditions!

xoxo