This Week In Tonight In American Idol [15 January 2008]

7:55 PM: Live-blogging American Idol took a lot out of me last Winter and Spring. I'm a year older, and a year slower, but with all the crap on the teevee right now, I'm happy to see AI back.

Let's do this...

8:00 PM: "Time Has Come Today" by The Chambers Brothers opens the show. Let's rock!!!

8:03 PM: The new opening sequence is new...how exactly? Maybe some snazzier CGI???

8:04 PM: First stop on the AI7 auditions tour is Philadelphia. Maybe Boyz II Men or The Hooters will make it to Hollywood this year???

I spent three years in Philly, and I still have fond memories of the town.

8:06 PM: First up tonite is Jordan Joey Catalano, who lost 204 lbs. this past year. Thankfully, Joey does not threaten to beat up any of the judges.

He sings "Sunday Morning" by Maroon 5. He's quite good.

And he's through to Hollywood.

8:12 PM: Next up is Alaa Youakeem. He likes the Bee Gees. He sings "How Deep Is Your Love".

He's likable, but he's not getting through.

Simon-the-jerk puts Paula on the spot to uncomfortably convey to him how bad he was.

8:16 PM: Melanie Nyema is up next. She used to be a backup singer for Taylor Hicks.

She sings "Unwritten" by Natasha Beddingfield, a song that is like nails-on-the-chalkboard to me.

But she sings it credibly. Simon is skeptical, but Randy and Paula wave her through.

8:20 PM: Next up is James Lewis, who thinks he sounds like Paul Robeson or Eddie Vedder.

He's so bad he actually makes the judges openly laugh.

James pledges to come back next year.

8:27 PM: Here's a "medley" of really horrible singers...Nick Stano...Sybill White...Zhengzhong Yu...

8:29 PM: Finally, Junot Joyner steps up with a fabulous performance of "I Guess That's Why They Call It Blues"...

8:30 PM: Jose Candelaria channels his inner Simon-beloved Il Divo and belts out a quality rendition of "Regressa A Mi", which is an Italian translation of "Unbreak My Heart"...

8:32 PM: Jonathan Baines delivers a nice version of "A Litle More You" by country crooners Little Big Town...

They're all through!

8:34 PM: Next up is Temptress Browne, who has a nice backstory -- her Mom is ill! She played football in high school! -- and ...

...a terrible voice. She butchers "And I Am Telling You I'm Not Going", made famous most recently by Jennifer Hudson [why do Idol wannabes continue to perform songs that previous Idols have done better??? -- Ed.]. When the judges tell her no, she cries, and the judges hug her and go out to meet her family.

Cue the waterworks.

8:40 PM: Next up is Mark Hayes. Mark takes on "White Christmas".

It's another chuckle-inducing performance.

8:43 PM: Udgeet "Udi" Sampat is next. His friends tell him he sounds like Frank Sinatra.

He doesn't.

His rendition of "My Way" gets him a ticket...HOME!

Simon: Did you honestly think you had any chance of getting through and winning?
Udi: Yes I do.
Simon: Well then, you're nuts.

8:50 PM: Next up is Alexis Cohen. She's from Allentown, PA. She knows there was a song about Allentown that came out about 25 years ago, but she thinks it was written by Bon Jovi.

BZZT! That song was written by Billy Joel.

She thinks she sounds like Janis Joplin or Grace Slick. She performs "Somebody To Love" by the Jefferson Airplane. She channels her inner Grace Slick, but the judges are not impressed. They tell her she belongs in a cover band.

She doesn't make it through.

And then she melts down. And provides the first bleep-wprthy moments of the season.

Simon says she reminds him of Willem Dafoe. And he's right.

9:04 PM: Next up is Angela Martin. Angela is the focus of another extended backstory tell, another of this year's modifications to the formula.

Angela is a singer who takes on "Signed, Sealed, Delivered" by Stevie Wonder. The judges agree she has a good voice but too many "wedding singer" habits.

But she is very likable, and very good, so the judges pass her through.

9:14 PM: Next up is Alyse Wojciechowski...she turns out to be the first in a series of "shouty" singers...

Oy, my head is hurting...

9:16 PM: Teresa Anello keeps the shout going...

9:17 PM: Brandi Park...oy!...

9:18 PM: Next up is Milo Turk. He reminds me of Johnny Galecki's character on The Big Bang Theory.

He's also 39 years old. So, not eligible.

He sings a song of his own composition called "No Sex Allowed". It's awful.

9:20 PM: Next up is Kristy Lee Cook. Kristy could kick the asses of everyone in the room with both hands tied behind her back.

Kristy sings "Amazing Grace", and she nails it both with power and grace.

She's very appealing and has a great voice. And she'll get to show it off in Hollywood.

9:28 PM: Next up is Ben Haar, who drops a cloak to reveal that he is wearing a Princess-Leia-in-Jedi costume. Randy and Paula tell him he can come back and audition if he gets rid of the chest hair. Simon is appalled.

Whilst Ben is off waxing [er... -- Ed.] we get footage of a few more horrendous auditions...

9:30 PM: Pedro Rivera...no!

9:31 PM: Shekhinah Bathyehudah...uh, no!

9:32 PM: Next up is Paul Marturano, who is very creepy. He sings a song he wrote about his "love" for Paula. It's very stalk-eriffic.

Wow, this is beyond creepy.

Yeah, the judges agree, and Simon asks security to escort Paul out.

9:34 PM: Next up is "a real stalker", Beth Stalker [seriously -- Ed.]. Beth performs the standard "Bewitched, Bothered And Bewildered".

It's a competent but not stand-out performance.

Simon rightly says she won't stand out, but Paula and Randy want to pass her through, so she's off to Hollywood.

9:41 PM: Ben Haar is back, and he's completely waxed but still in his costume. He starts to sing "Don't Cha" by [most famously] the Pussycat Dolls, and he get's about 5 words into it when Simon cuts him off.

Yeah.

Hey, did you know "Don't Cha" was actually written by Gnarls Barkley's Cee-Lo and Sir Mix-A-Lot? I know, right?!?!

9:42 PM: Next up is Chris Watson. Chris performs "Follow Me" by Uncle Kracker.

Chris is good. This is really good. I have to call Chris Watson an early favorite to make the finals.

Chris even looks the part.

The judges pass him through easily and cheerfully.

9:49 PM: What is up with the Princess-Leai-worshipping tonite??? Next up is Christina Tolisano, who's also homaging PL, and who sings "Don't Let The Sun Go Down On Me", but not the Elton John version, "the Roger Daltrey version".

We've heard worse tonite, but it's quite mediocre.

And she's not making it to Hollywood.

And then she melts down. She thinks they passed on her "talent" because of her outfit.

Yeah, you keep thinking that Christina.

9:54 PM: The last contestant to see the judges after 2 days in Philadelphia -- and the immediate successor to Christina Tolisano -- is Brooke White.

Brooke sings "Like A Star" by Corinne Bailey Rae.

It's a pleasant but not a stop-what-you're-doing-and-listen performance. But after the judges' miserable Philadelphia Experiment, Brooke is through easily to Hollywood.

9:58 PM: Ryan tells us that 29 people from the Philadelphia auditions made it through to Hollywood.

9:59 PM: Ryan tells us that tomorrow nite, we'll be in Dallas, hometown of AI1 winner Kelly Clarkson.