This Week In Tonight In American Idol [20 March 2007 Edition]

7 :55 PM: Top 11 Week is here. And I haven't heard what this week's theme is....

UPDATED: The DialIdol numbers are now in, and once again, we hope they're way off base...

8:00 PM: I'm not diggin' Ryan's Spring suit...It's still evening -- he should be in darker colors...

8:02 PM: What do the judges think for tonite?
Randy: "they need to bring their game tonite, dude!"
Paula: "they need to imagine Simon without any clothes on..."
Simon: "Paula, is that what you think about???"

8:03 PM: Tonite's theme is: "60's British Invasion"! Awesome!!! I hope someone sings "Pictures of Lily" or "Mother's Little Helper"!!!

Our "mentors" this week are LuLu and Peter Noone. Ohhhh, this is gonna suck big time!!!

8:06 PM: First up is Haley Scarnato. Haley is performing The Exciters' "Tell Him". Haley is in full-on sex-kitten mode tonite -- she's obviously a DHMBIB reader. Check out that short skirt those short shorts and those legs!!!

Hey, that was actually pretty good!!!

Randy: "that was the perfect song choice...America, Haley's back in the competition!!!"
Paula: "that was perfect!"
Simon: "it was fun...young...a bit shrieky in the middle...i think people are gonna be talking about a lot more than your singing tonite..."

8:16 PM: Next up is Chris Richardson. His "goal this week is to finally nail a song". WHOA!!!

Peter Noone warns Chris not to get caught in "the vibratto". WHOA!!!

Chris is performing Peter Noone's Gerry And The Pacemakers' [sorry -- Ed.] "Don't Let the Sun Catch You Crying".

Hey, I like Chris. And I like Blake. But there's only room for one of them.

That was O-KAY. Just O-KAY.

Randy: "that was another great performance...that was beautiful...one of your best vocals yet!"
Paula: "the whole thing was very sexy, charming..."
Simon: "Chris, i think that was your best performance ever...a little bit nasaly, but very good..."

That was good -- for the guys. But their bar is very low -- don't forget that.

8:26 PM: Next up is Stephanie Edwards. Stephanie is singing Dusty Springfield's "You Don't Have To Say You Love Me".

That was FUCKING BRILLIANT!!!

Randy: "it wasn't your best song choice...a little pitchy for me..." Randy gets booed.
Paula: "you look great...missed a few notes...i want you to go back and have fun..."
Simon: "i think you're losing your edge...it was a bit night-clubby...it was a little old for you...i wasn't crazy about it..."

8:38 PM: Next up is Blake Lewis. Blake is performing The Zombies' "Time Of The Season".

Blake only picked this song so he could do his "human beat box" thing on the song's sound effects.

Blake, this is getting old.

Again, that was O-KAY.

The bar is really low for the men tonite.

Randy: "...massive 'yo' factor...much 'props' to you..."
Paula: "you have really raised the bar..."
Simon: "a MILLION times better than last week...you made the song contemporary without messing with the melody..."

8:42 PM: I WILL SHOOT MYSELF IF I EVER HEAR RYAN SEACREST ASK AGAIN: "What's your name? Who's your daddy?"...

Seriously...

8:48 PM: Next up is LaKisha Jones. LaKisha is torn between "Diamonds Are Forever" and "You're My World". LaKisha eventually decides on Shirley Bassey's "Diamonds Are Forever".

Okay, people -- let's get real about this. Some people think Melinda is a better singer than LaKisha. But no one -- NO ONE -- is more confident on stage than LaKisha.

This is a two-singer competition. Let's not kid ourselves.

Back to the performance...

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME???

Randy: "I didn't feel enough 'LaKisha' in it...it was just ai'ight for me..."
Paula: "I thought that was a great song [translation: 'you look beautiful']..."
Simon: "we know you are a fabulous singer...however, this was LaKisha in 50 years...it wasn't my favorite performance...it was too old, too old fashioned..."

Ryan: "Hey, Cowell! What DON'T you like about this dress?"
Simon: "Your subject!"

Okay, this "you're gay-er than I am" thing has jumped the shark.

8:55 PM: Next up is Phil Stacey. Phil is singing The Nashville Teens' "Tobacco Road".

Once again, Phil has sung down to the bottom of the competition. There is nothing memorable about this performance -- other than that he screamed his way through it.

Randy: "it was a pretty good performance...coupla pitchy spots...i like your upper registers..."
Paula: "i think it was a good choice...some pitchy spots....good performances..."
Simon: "i wasn't crazy about it...it was a '3d division bar band performance'...there was no grit in your voice...it wasn't 'believable'...i think you may have some trouble this week..."

9:05 PM: Next up is Jordin Sparks. LuLu thinks Jordin is amazing!

Jordin is performing Shirley Bassey's & Tom Jones' "I, Who Have Nothing".

OMG!

Can we just split this off into two separate competitions RIGHT NOW???

Randy: "that was a tall order for you, but very controlled...i think one of the best performances we're gonna see tonite..."
Paula: "17 years old -- it doesn't matter....a good singer is a good singer..."
Simon: "it was depressing -- i felt like jumping off a bridge...but you sang it beautifully..."

Ryan: "Simon, to get this song, you have to experience love with someone other than yourself..."

Uh, SNAP???

9:16 PM: Ryan talks to Peter Noone. Ryan: "You've really brought something special out of the guys". Ryan is right -- the guys have really stepped it up this week.

9:17 PM: Next up is Sanjaya Malakar. Sanjaya is performing The Kinks' "You Really Got Me".

This should be the best fucking slow-motion car crash of the night!!!

FUCKING AWESOME!!!!

THIS IS HORRIBLE!!!

It's official -- Sanjaya Malakar is Season 6's "Kellie Pickler"!!!

Why is that girl in the audience crying? If you must ask, you must have the teevee on "mute".

Randy: [laughing] "you shocked me tonite...that was one of your best performances to date..." [still laughing]...
Paula: "...you really went for it tonite..."
Simon: "...i think the little girl's face says it all..."

Randy is STILL laughing...

Ryan suggests that the young girl is a "fan"...I have no comment about that...

My sister reminds me that Van Halen covered this song. My response is that Sanjaya's performance is worse than Ray Davies divided by David Lee Roth...divided by Sammy Hagar...divided by Nuno Bettencourt Gary Cherone [sorry -- Ed.]...

9:26 PM: Next up is Gina Glocksen. Tonite, Ryan is sponsored by Coca-Cola, and Gina is sponsored by FOX.

9:27 PM: OMG! Write it down -- it's the first American Idol mention of the word "blog". [Wait -- what is a "blog" -- Ed.???]

Gina is performing the Rolling Stones' "Paint It Black". This is one of my favorite Stones songs -- only "Brown Sugar" and "Dead Flowers" come close.

OMG -- Gina is slaughtering this song!!! Is Gina taking a dive for Sanjaya???

Randy: "not my favorite vocal...it was a little pitchy in spots..."
Paula: "miles better than last week..."
Simon: "there were moments of complete torture in that song...that was 'style' over 'content'...not good enough, sweetheart..."

Paula is about to pass out...seriously...

9:39 PM: Next up is Chris Sligh. Chris is performing The Zombies' "She's Not There". This is the second Zombies' song of the nite.

Take a moment to absorb that.

WOW! That was great!!!

Randy: "...started off a little bit rough, but you ended it really strong..."
Paula: "OMG! I AM SOOOOOO DRUNK!!!"...no actually: "i think you need to be more personable with the audience..."
Simon: "i don't think you had a problem with the audience...you did your thing...it wasn't the best vocal of the nite, but it was good, and you did your thing...much better than last week..."

9:44 PM: Ryan attempts to coin the phrase "the ' 'fro patrol' " in regards to Chris and his fan base.

9:49 PM: Last up is Melinda Doolittle. Melinda is performing Shirley Bassey's "As Long As He Needs Me".

That little girl is crying again -- she must think that Sanjaya and Melinda are equally talented.

Take a moment to absorb that.

Randy: "we saved the best vocal for last..." Randy calls Melinda "dude"...
Paula: "it's not forced, and it just 'is'...it's beautiful..."
Simon: "it started out boring, but the second part was sensational...impeccable..."

Ryan talks to Melinda and confronts the 800-pound-goriila -- are you really as "nice" [= boring, lacking-in-personality] as you seem? Melinda says, "this is it"...

9:59 PM: My sister and I agree that the worst performances of the nite were: 1) Sanjaya; 2) Gina; 3) Phil.

We are especially disappointed in Gina. After Sanjaya's "fuck you, America" performance, the bar was pretty low. But Gina managed to knock it down anyway. Gina may have punched her ticket home with that excruciating performance of "Paint It Black".

We also agree: 1) LaKisha and Melinda are still the class of this competition; 2) Haley really stepped it up this week and may have moved herself into the middle of the pack; 3) all of the guys -- except, of course, Sanjaya -- really stepped it up this week; and 4) kudos to both Peter Noone and LuLu for forcing the contestants to take it to the next level this week...

We'll be back later with the DialIdol numbers...

UPDATED MUCH LATER AM: The DialIdol numbers are in. Here's what Americans who still have land lines think about last night's performances: 1) Melinda Doolittle; 2) Phil Stacey [!!!]; 3) Blake Lewis; 4) Lakisha Jones; 5) Sanjaya Malakar [!!!]; 6) Jordin Sparks; 7) Chris Richardson; 8) Stephanie Edwards; 9) Chris Sligh; 10) Gina Glocksen; 11) Haley Scarnato.

DialIdol is also predicting that the top 5 -- including bombadiers Phil and Sanjaya -- are "safe" tonight.

Okay, where to start with these ridiculous numbers? As I noted last night, Phil and Sanjaya were clearly among the Bottom 3 in terms of their performances. Sanjaya's performance was a singing "fuck you, America!!!" to Idol viewers. Gina Glocksen's performance definitely was 10-worthy, but Haley Scarnato actually did well, and she definitely does not deserve to go this week.

My prediction -- in spite of Sanjaya's laugh-worthy performance, Gina will get the hook tonite.

Tune in later and follow along with DHMBIB.

ciaobaby